


When I Wanted Sunshine I Got Rain

by palhomo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Crossover, M/M, Multi, Shrek - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-20
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2017-11-05 17:30:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/409102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palhomo/pseuds/palhomo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey, Egbert. Direct your oculars to me for a second. What am I?”<br/>“Uh… really short?”<br/>“What? No! I’m a TROLL. You know, humans hate and fear us, etc. Don’t you?”<br/>John just looked blankly at him for a moment, before breaking out into a grin. “Nope! Like I said, I like you. You’re all shouty and funny and stuff.” </p><p>AU based loosely on Shrek. In which Karkat is a grouchy troll who lives in a swamp and John is an annoying boy with windy magic who befriends him. And together they go on a PRINCESS QUEST.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bad Reputation

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually my first attempt at writing a fanfic! Hopefully it doesn't show too horribly. Thanks for Vena for beta-ing for me.

_Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had a fearsome curse put upon her by her wicked godmother, which could only be broken by love’s first kiss. She was locked away in a tower, guarded by a huge, fearsome dragon. Many a knight had tried to rescue her from the castle in hopes of marrying the princess, but all had failed. She waited in the very highest room of the tower, for her one true love to finally save her, dreaming of true love’s first kis-_

Knock, knock, knock.

Karkat sighed and shut the book with a snap. Ah, human romance, with its ‘one true love’. It wasn’t nearly as sophisticated nor as elegant as the troll system, but its simplicity had its merits. And some of the romantic folklore they had was pretty adorable. Not that he’d ever share that. Enjoying romantic literature was one thing, enjoying _human_ literature was another entirely.

Well, not that he actually had anybody to share that fascinating little tidbit with, anyway. Karkat didn’t have friends. But if he did, he sure as hell wouldn’t tell them he could (and often did) sit around reading human romance novels all night.

He’d fully intended to go the same tonight, until that knock on the door of his hive had so rudely bumped him out of his reverie. 

With a grunt, he went to go answer the door. Ugh, who was this douchebag? One of Lord Strider’s men. Something about rounding up all the ‘fairy tale creatures’ in the local area. Karkat raised an eyebrow.

“Do I _look_ like a fucking fairy to you?”

A protest that trolls definitely counted; you saw them in fairy tales all the time, living under bridges and whatnot. An insistence that pretty much all non-humans could be classified as fairy tale creatures and if Karkat would just come along quietly then – _oh God what was that sharp thing he was reaching for_ – did he _know_ this could be viewed as a criminal offence, on top of his current offence which was being a troll, and it was essentially an act against Lord Strider-

Karkat growled, tightening his grip on the handle of his weapon as he raised it against the man. “Look, I am capable of your human pleasantries, so I’ll ask nicely. Get. The FUCK. Out of. My. SWAMP.”

And of course, he was running away like a cholerbear with its tail between his legs. Karkat snorted. That was what, the third one this week? If they cared to follow through on their threats, they would quickly learn that Karkat was not, in fact, much of a fighter. In fact, his combat skills were downright terrible. The natural strength that came with being a troll could only take you so far. He was positive that if say, three of his men came along, armed and ready for combat, he’d be totally fucked.

Luckily for him, the mere fact that he was a troll seemed to scare everyone he met utterly shitless.

It must have been all those fairy tales.

-xxx-

In the woods not far from there, the ‘rounding up’ of all these ‘fairy tale creatures’ was taking place. Talking animals, enchanted toys, gnomes, fairies, witches, the works. All being shoved into cages.

“And what’s so special about this boy, exactly?”

Mr. Egbert pushed his son forward with a smile. “He’s got these powers. Magic. He flies, makes objects appear out of nowhere, does all this stuff with the wind-”

“Hahaha, Dad. I keep telling you. Those are just, like, magic tricks! It’s not _real_ magic.”

The officer looked at the pair sceptically, telling them that unless Mr. Egbert could actually _prove_ his son possessed magic, his claim was as good as useless.

The son seemed to think this a great moment to do exactly that, launching into the air with a cry of “pchooo!” Safely out of the guards’ reach (he hoped), the boy decided to make his getaway. “Heh, fooled you all along! It actually is real magic. I’m getting out of here.” With the parting declaration, “by the way, Lord Strider is a really shitty rapper!” he took off, leaving awed spectators, several irate guards and a disgruntled father behind him.

If only he hadn’t been too busy laughing to watch where he was going.

With an “oof!”, the boy crashed straight into a tree, falling back to the ground at high speed. He took one look at the armed men heading towards him, before straightening up and running like hell.

-xxx-

Karkat was been heading out to investigate the ruckus (how was he supposed to enjoy his goddamn novel if they were going to insist on holding their noisy asshole festival so nearby?) when some boy had come hurtling towards him at high speed, a couple of soldiers in hot pursuit.

There was scarcely time for an “oh fuck” before the two on them collided and fell to the ground, the human landing practically on top of him.

Now that they’d fallen, Karkat had plenty of time to cuss the idiot out. “Why don’t you watch where you’re going you colossal, _moronic_ , piece of _shit_. I get it, you’re in trouble, but if you don’t at least pay attention to your damn surroundings it’s just going to end in-”

“Shhh.” The boy had climbed to his feet, and had the gall to offer him a hand. He took it. Grudgingly. “Oh man, they’re so after us. I think all your yelling gave away our position!”

“They already knew our position you stupid fu-”

“Come on, let’s make a break for it.”

As much as he wanted to, Karkat wasn’t going to argue. There were a hell of a lot of men chasing them, after all. The two took off at a sprint together, not even looking back to check if they were still being followed.

But they hadn’t been running long before Karkat realised he was lagging behind. Significantly. Trolls weren’t built for this kind of physical activity, dammit. Well, they were. But Karkat sure wasn’t. So this was the human’s game, was it? ‘I don’t have to outrun them, I only have to outrun you’? He hadn’t even checked behind him to make sure the troll hadn’t been caught, the asshole. Well, Karkat was having none of it.

With a quick glance behind him – they were far away enough – he darted up the nearest tree. He may not have been graced with any natural talent in the running department, but Karkat was a damn good climber, and proud of it. He sat in the branches for a few moments, panting for breath. Had the men caught that human? Ugh, he kind of hoped not, even if he had seemed annoying as fuck. Well, at least he was rid of him, at any rate.

“Hahaha, I thought we were goners for sure!” Karkat nearly fell off the branch, before turning to glare at the boy beside him with a mixture of wonder and horror. “Man, coming up here was such a great idea, well done. They’ll totally never find us! You don’t mind me sharing your super-secret hiding spot, do you? Thanks!”

“Douchefuck, they ‘totally’ will find us if you don’t shut your squawk gaper-”

“Heh, what does that even mean? Anyway, no worries! I think they’re gone.”

“How the fuck do you know-”

“Come on, let’s get out of this tree. Unless like, you don’t want to. Maybe this is like, your home. Do trolls live in trees? Is that a thing?”

“No.” That technically wasn’t true, since some of his species did choose to build their hives in trees, but he knew perfectly well this boy wasn’t going to give him the chance to explain.

“Yeah, I thought not! I always assumed trolls all just lived under bridges. You know, like the fairy tale? The Three Billy Goats Gruff?” They dropped out of the tree, Karkat heading straight back in the direction of the swamp. The inappropriately cheerful kid seemed to take it upon himself to just follow, hovering a few steps behind him, chattering away. “Pfft, fairy tales. Do you know they’re classing me as a ‘fairy tale creature’? I mean, I’m pretty clearly human. Auuuugh! So, are they after you too? I’m pretty sure trolls count as fairy tale creatures. What’s your story, anyway?”

Karkat didn’t even have time to formulate a response, before the boy was off on one again. “Want to hear mine? Okay, so, I can fly! Which is probably obvious since I’m like, doing it right now. I can do a few other sweet things with the wind, too! But uh, Dad wasn’t too impressed, I guess? Handing your son in to Lord Strider’s men, talk about the worst prank ever!” Karkat decided to interject.

“I’d say something sympathetic, but I honestly don’t give much of a shit. Why are you still following me?” The kid’s smile only faltered for a brief moment.

“Wow, you’re an asshole! I dunno, I like you! What’s your name?”

“Karkat Vantas.”

John snorted. “Pfft, stupid name. But whatever. I like you, Karkat! You’re kind of funny and grumpy.” How was being grumpy an appealing quality? “I’m John, by the way! John Egbert.”

“Fuck you, John Egbert.” He didn’t seem to take this seriously at all, simply giggling at Karkat. Ugh, he already loathed this boy. “Seriously, find somebody else to bug.”

“No way! I’m thinking sticking with you is a good idea. Having a troll buddy will be just great. You guys are pretty strong, right? So you can look out for me and stuff. And I’ll totally have your back! We’ll be an unstoppable duo!”

He turned a looked at the human up and down. He had dark, almost black, hair and looked pretty tall, standing quite a few inches above Karkat. He was a skinny bastard, who looked like he could stand to eat a bit more. He was wearing a ridiculous pair of glasses and a dorky blue getup that matched his eyes. He had prominent front teeth that made him look really fucking goofy.

Yeah, Karkat didn’t like him.

“Ugh, NO. Leave me alone.”

If John was at all hurt by his words, he didn’t show it, launching into some bullshit musical number. “But Karkat! How do I liiiiiiiiive without you?”

“What are you-”

“How will I breeeeeeeeeeeathe without you. If you ever goooo…”

“Stop singing or I will-”

“…How will I ever, ever surviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive?” John’s ‘song’ had reached an impossibly high note, which he was utterly failing to reach. This guy was a downright _horrible_ singer, and this was the last straw.

“Sweet almighty taintchafing FUCK, would you QUIT IT ALREADY?”

His words didn’t produce quite the desired effect, John simply pausing his singing to laugh at him instead of to run away in fear, or at least out of common courtesy. Ugh. Why was this person acting so sickeningly friendly with him, anyway? What was the deal?

“Hey, Egbert. Direct your oculars to me for a second. What am I?”

“Uh… really short?”

“What? No! I’m a TROLL. You know, humans hate and fear us, etc. Don’t you?”

John just looked blankly at him for a moment, before breaking out into a grin. “Nope! Like I said, I like you. You’re all shouty and funny and stuff.”

Karkat was, for once in his life, lost for words. As incredibly irritating as this boy was, he actually liked him? He didn’t run for the hills as soon as he was yelled at? This was new territory, and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. They were rapidly approaching his hive, too, and the last thing he needed was this ‘John’ kid inviting himself to stay.

“Ugh, look at this place. Gross. Who’d want to live here?”

“That’s my hive, fucknuts.”

“Haha, your hive sucks!” Karkat ignored the criticism, marching onwards and doing his best not to listen to the continuous stream of bullshit spewing from Egbert’s chute. “Is hive the troll word for house? What are you, bees? Why is it in the middle of an icky swamp, anyway? Talk about shitty location! You could at least decorate a little. Though hey, I like the boulder here. That’s nice. Shame about _everything else_ , hahaha! Buuuurn. Oh hey, wow. You don’t like people much, huh?” Looked like Egbert had caught sight of the numerous ‘FUCK OFF’ signs he’d so painstakingly crafted. “Why are they all in all-caps, anyway? Laaame.”

The message that was so clearly in the signs obviously hadn’t got through to the boy’s damaged thinkpan. Karkat rolled his eyes. “Not particularly, no. Anyway, caps get the words across better.” Willing John not to follow, he opened the door to his hive. But wow, John was in there, making himself comfortable on his couch, before he had even taken his first step into the building. God. Dammit. He wasn’t sure why he’d expected any different.

“You. Out. NOW.”

“You can’t throw me out! I’ve go nowhere else to go! Weren’t you listening, my Dad totally sold me out. You’ve gotta let me stay, please?”

It was the most unconvincing pleading Karkat had ever seen. He wasn’t even trying to sound genuine, already propping up his feet and stretching out in full over _his_ sofa. They both knew perfectly well that John Egbert wasn’t leaving any time soon.

“Fine,” he grunted.

“Oh man, awesome. We can stay up all night tell each other secrets and reading stories and doing karaoke and eating candy and doing each other’s nails – only not the nails thing because that’s for girls – but we can totally do all the other stuff and it’ll basically be the best slumber party ever.”

“No way. I am going to bed right now, and you are not going to be keeping me up. Understood? You sleep on the couch.”

But Karkat’s orders were in vain. John decided that it was only proper for him to sleep on Karkat’s bedroom floor, and kept him up half the fucking night with idiotic stories, rants about shitty books that certainly _weren’t_ romance novels, and more of that horrible singing.

Karkat was going to murder him for sure.

In the morning. 


	2. All Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I've been completely bogged down with exams. But I'm definitely going to keep writing this.

“What the hell...?” a voice murmured. John blinked his eyes groggily, clinging onto whatever it was he was currently holding more tightly. He was rewarded with a sharp nudge. “Oi, Egbert.” 

“Mrrrngh?”

“Explain to me exactly WHY you are in my bed, being all…” his nose wrinkled in disgust at the word, “… _clingy_.”

John opened his eyes again wearily, a hazy realisation of the situation beginning to dawn on him. Oh, yeah. Oops? After finally sending Karkat to sleep last night with one of his super-soothing lullabies (he was positive that was what they were), he realised he was sort of having trouble sleeping?  He’d got kind of cold trying to sleep without as much as a blanket. Not to mention uncomfortable! Floors were hard. So he’d figured hopping into bed with Karkat would be the simplest solution.

The _plan_ had been perfect. He was going to wake up before Karkat and climb out again, and act like he’d never been there. In hindsight, actually, he wasn’t sure how that was supposed to have worked. Since, you know, he didn’t exactly control when he woke up. It was kind of a shitty plan really. It had just seemed like such a good one at the time, when he was half-asleep.

But now Karkat was staring at him, his expression a mixture of fury and embarrassment. John had the decency to look apologetic for a second, before chuckling. Partly out of nervousness, partly out of genuine amusement. Dang, Karkat was funny.

“Ehehe, sorry. I tend to hang on to things when I’m sleeping! I had these three toy bunnies back home that I always slept with and stuff.”

“Wow, fucking wiggler.”

“Haha, I have no idea what that means! Anyway, I had these three friends when I was a kid –boy, I don’t even remember their names now– and they gave me them as a sort of birthday present.”

“John, the extent to which I _don’t give a shit_ is so huge; it can be seen from space. Why are you in my bed.”

The boy made a face, annoyed to have his trip down memory lane so rudely interrupted. “I dunno, I got cold?”

“So you weren’t just trying to hit on me like some obnoxiously desperate sack of shit?” Karkat was looking at him sceptically. Wow, talk about an awkward question!

“Um, no? Haha, I’m not a homosexual! And even if I was, that would be pretty creepy. That’s no way to woo somebody at all.”

The troll looked at him in apparent confusion for a few seconds, before nodding. “Right, right. Human sexuality, I forgot.”

They stared for each other for a few excruciatingly awkward moments, John not quite sure what to say. Eventually Karkat seemed to decide enough was enough and slid out of the bed, growling, “I’m going to make some fucking breakfast. If you’re hungry, get your own. Don’t expect me to wait on you hand and foot,” before storming out of the room. John tittered quietly, but his hushed laugher was soon interrupted.

From the next room, John heard a dull thud followed and a loud cry, followed by a stream of angry curses. Woah, were troll breakfasts always this noisy and violent?  After peaking his head around the door curiously to investigate the noise, John nearly swore violently himself.

They weren’t alone in the house.

A whole bunch of creatures and people littered Karkat’s ‘hive’. If it wasn’t a mess before, it certainly was now: clusters of fairies, some talking pigs, a wizard or two, and even a bunch of talking turtles. A quick glance outside the window informed John that there were loads of them outside, too. It was practically fairy tale city up in here. The turtles were congregated around a glass coffin containing some dead-looking girl with greyish skin. She looked vaguely familiar in a way John couldn’t quite place. But also pretty grim, for a fairy tale character!

John was 90% certain that was what they were, after all. Fairy tale creatures. Were they all escapees like him? Because they were totally going to get busted if they all hid in one place, and he had dibs on staying with Karkat. Though he’d feel bad just kicking them all out, poor things.

Karkat of course, felt no such sympathy. He was standing next to John, literally spluttering with rage. Eventually, he managed to string a sentence together. Sort of.

“What. Are you. _Doing_. IN MY SWAMP?”

John couldn’t help grinning over the fact that his newfound troll buddy was getting so protective over such a shitty piece of land. Who wanted to own a swamp, of all things, anyway? Nobody, that was who. 

The only person to respond was that dead girl John had been watching earlier, who seemed to wake up at Karkat’s yelling, climbing out of the coffin and muttering something in what was basically a lot of sillyspeak and gobbledygook. Huh. Right, he guessed she probably wasn’t actually dead, then. Just really grim, and also dark.

“Wow, that was really fucking helpful. I’m up to my hear ducts in all this gratitude. Thanks, princess! Now, could somebody who actually speaks English answer my damn question?”

“Well gee, it’s not like we’re here by choice!” piped up a tiny girl, about the size of John’s thumb. “We were sent here by Lord Strider. It was a gosh-darned eviction!” The others all murmured in agreement, and few of them making some rather unsavoury comments regarding the lord ‘and his stupid shades’.

“Wow, I am liking the sound of this ‘Strider’ more and more. Sounds like a real pleasant guy!” Pfft, that was rich, coming from Karkat. “so, any of you shitheels want to tell me where I can find this insufferable prick?”

Oh, John knew. John totally knew.

“Anybody?”

Nobody else did? Perfect. John was just going to keep it a secret until the last moment.

“What, none of you?”

Pfft.

“Were you all hatched useless, or do you practice hard at it daily? Ugh, fine. I’ll go by myself. How hard can finding this nook wagon be?” And off he went, marching away like a one man army. John gave the others a quick wave, giving the gothy-looking girl one last glance, before heading out after Karkat. Man, Karkat sure was lucky to have him! He caught up to the troll in no time, slowing to a steady walk and flashing him a grin once they were side by side.

“Oh no you don’t. Hell no. There is no way you’re accompanying me on this venture, John Egbert. You’ll just end up being a huge fucking hindrance.  Also, I hate you. And it’s not as if you’re going to be any use whatsoever, so-”

“Yeah, I will! I know the way to Lord Strider’s castle.” Karkat actually stopped in his tracks, pinching his brow in annoyance.

“Then why didn’t you _say_ anything?”

“I don’t know, it was funnier this way. Just a sort of friendly prank!”

Karkat looked at John resignedly, sighing deeply before continuing on his path. John followed eagerly. “Oh man, this’ll be great. The great Egbert-Vantas duo, human and troll, united in one shared goal on their great adventure!”

“Ugh. Just don’t start singing again.”

John had zero intention of following that order.

-xxx-

It had been a week since the troll, “Gamzee” had been captured. A week locked in the dungeon, with little food and barely any water. The guard had been watching him practically the whole time, but the troll was remarkably relaxed about the whole situation. He’d even made conversation with the guard a few times, calling him ‘brother’ and idly commenting on the beauty of the world around them.

They were in a _prison_. What was beautiful about that?

The guard happened to be rather interested in fairy tale myth and legend. Weren’t purple blooded trolls supposed to be nobility or something? This guy sure didn’t act like a noble.

Or maybe that was just what troll-nobles were like. Who knew? Legends always portrayed indigo bloods as violent, though. He’d imagined Gamzee fiercer.

“Yo, is the clown douche ready to talk yet?” Woah, he hadn’t even heard his boss approaching. Lord Strider was basically a flash stepping master. It was creepy.

“Uh, I doubt it, Sir.” The Lord was already ignoring his advice and approaching the cell, gazing through the bars at the troll inside with a blank expression.

“Dude, why are you being so chill about the possibility of starving to death here. Sure being all ‘I don’t need food I have inner strength’ is pretty cool and heroic at first, but now you’re just being a stubborn asshole. Or do trolls not need food? I mean I didn’t exactly do the research here because I don’t waste time researching shitty fairy tale culture and weird monster biology. Maybe you have food hidden away in some pouch or something. Like a fucking hamster hoarding all the grub.”

He paused for a second, possibly realising how hideously derailed he was getting here, and coughed before coming back to the point. Sort of.

“Do you understand what I’m saying here.”

“I up and hear ya. Hamsters, man. Motherfucking adorable. “

“Fuck the hamsters. I’m asking where all your troll buddies are.”

“Not a motherfucking clue, bro.”

Dave scowled. “You’re on a one-way trip to starve-ville, you know.”

“Nah, it’ll be all right. There’s a miracle coming, I can sense it.”

The troll was actually smiling wistfully now, and Lord Strider turned away, his expression one of utter annoyance. He clearly knew there was no use trying to converse with this guy once he got started on his miracles. Turning back to the guard, he gave a fresh set of orders.

“We’re going to need to get more drastic here. Up the villain level from like, Beast to Big Bad Wolf. Only without eating him since troll meat is probably disgusting. Ugh, fuck fairy tale metaphors.” He was heading out of the dungeon now, beckoning for the guard to follow. He wondered for a second whether it was really all right to leave his charge, but hey. It was a direct order from his boss. “We got a tip. I’ve found out his weakness, though it’s a pretty hilarious weakness. We bring in that group of bards. I’d have thought they’d be right up his alley, but whatever.”

Once they reached the top of the stairs, the pair entered the castle’s main hall. The guard still had no idea what Lord Strider needed from him next, but hopefully it wasn’t going to result in a dock in pay.

“Stewart.”

Wow, Strider actually knew his name? Full of surprises, was his employer.

“Yes, my Lord?”

“You know something about legends right. Don’t take this the wrong way because honestly that last thing I want is be involved in the cliché-ass fairy tale bullshit that comes with this sort of thing but. I need to find a princess.”

Ah. This probably had to do with his older brother’s recent royal marriage, and subsequent assentation to monarch status. Sibling rivalry, maybe?

“I can think of three of the top of my head, my Lord. They’re just rumours and legends, though. Take them with a grain of salt. There’s one girl, Snow White. She was born a princess, but her stepmother usurped the throne and had her banished. They say her skin was once as white as her name, but she’s been practicing dark magic to survive and its corrupting influenced has dyed it a murky grey. Her whereabouts are unknown.

“There’s another kingdom where the king and queen desperately wanted an heir, but the wife was unable to bear a child. When the queen’s beloved pet dog gave birth to puppies, a kindly fairy took pity on the queen and transformed the eldest pup into a human. The queen was delighted, but the king dismissed her as a freak, and sent her to live with a peasant family.

“Oh, and I can think of one other. A princess from one of the wealthiest kingdoms. It’s really far away though, and most of the details are unknown. But it’s said the heiress to the throne was locked away by her parents, guarded by a fearsome beast. A dragon, they speculate. The queen of the kingdom did this so that the princess could never challenge her rule, but legend has it the worthiest knight will be able to rescue her, and together they’ll inherit the kingdom.”

Lord Strider didn’t look too impressed with any of the stories, he face staying passive the whole time. He let out a resigned sigh.

“Guess I’ll go with bachelorette number three. She sounds relatively normal. At least compared to some doggy-chick, or creepy dark witch. Tell me everything you know about her.”

-xxx-

“Ta-da! Lord Strider’s castle. Told you I knew the way, grumpycakes. Oh man, I used to hang out in the court here all the time as a kid.”

“Egbert, I couldn’t give less of a shit about your childhood memories and the sickening levels of nostalgia accompanying them. Now where is this prick?”

“I dunno! Inside, probably.”

John took a moment to admire their surroundings. From the hill, they could look straight down at the castle. It was kind of a fantastic view! Although strategically, building a castle at the foot of a slope was the dumbest thing ever. That was Strider for you. Worst lord ever. So lame. Not that he was even the one who built it, but still.

“It’s gotten kind of taller since the last time I came, haha. Think maybe he’s trying to overcompensate for something?” John waggled his eyebrows, trying to emphasize his super-great joke, but it seemed to be lost on Karkat.

“If that’s some kind of sexual innuendo, don’t explain it. I have quite literally no desire to hear about whatever repulsive anatomy you humans have.”

What a grump! John chuckled at his response regardless. Man, it was quiet out here. Though that could be because Strider had, like, half the kingdom evicted! It wasn’t technically even a ‘kingdom’, of course. Dave Strider was a lord, not a king! John didn’t think much of him, either.

“Hey, shitstain. Get your pan in gear, there’s someone heading over.”

John snapped out of his mental ridicule of the lord, scoping out the figure advancing in their direction. Dorky red outfit. Snug little hood. Shitty looking sword. Definitely looked like somebody else begging to be ridiculed. Well, maybe after giving them some help.

“Hey dude, nice hood!” Great start, John. “So urm, could you maybe lend us a hand? We’re looking for-”

Oh, _shit_. John would recognise those crappy looking shades anywhere. It was only the dude himself. 


	3. It Is You (I Have Loved)

The human approaching them looked like an utter moron as far as Karkat was concerned, but he supposed he could stand to be polite. Unlike his idiotic friend, who seemed to think making some sarcastic remark about a person’s hood and then not even finishing his question was a good way to make friends.

Not that Karkat knew jack shit about making friends, but that was hardly the point here. If John was just going to stand there staring vacantly like he didn’t have a single thought in his thinkpan (which frankly wouldn’t come as any sort of surprise) then talking to this guy fell on him.

“Okay, we’d be grateful as fuck if you could help us out here. We’re looking for this despicable bulgenibbler named Lord Strider, you know him?”

“Yeah. He’s me.”

Oh. Well, screw being polite, in that case. “Your Lordship.” He made a sarcastic bow, hoping the bitter expression on his face adequately conveyed the fact that no, this was NOT a sincere bow, and ‘his Lordship’ could shove it up his waste chute. “I don’t know why you seem to think MY SWAMP is an acceptable place to host some magical pixie asshole fiesta, but I can assure you that if they’re not gone within the next three days I will be punching you right in your smug face. It’s not your fucking land, and their oh-so-cheery merrymaking is completely preventing me getting an ounce of shut eye.”

Strider’s face remained pretty unchanged, the slightest sneer on his face. Screw him. John, on the other hand, was looking pretty alarmed at Karkat’s outburst. Oh, screw him too. But nope, John decided to pull him to one side by the arm, stage whispering in his ear with as little subtlety as was possible.

“Dude, you’re terrible with people.”

“I’m not trying to win any nice guy awards here, Egbert. I’m trying to get my swamp back!” he hissed in response.

“Well, you’re going about it horribly! Let me try sweet talking him.”

Oh God. Karkat could already tell this wasn’t going to do them any favours. John was approaching the asswipe with the same goofy grin he insisted on shoving in Karkat’s face all the time. The worst part was how sickeningly genuine it was. Ugh, kissing Strider’s ass was so not how he wanted to get this done.

“Look, Lord Strider! I am guessing Karkat here is not your favourite dude ever what with him being a terrible troll and you hating troll and fairy tale creatures in general and all, but! Maybe we can come to some sort of agreement? Like what if we found some other place for you to dump all those fairies. Or gave you some money to move them somewhere else. Or I dunno, we don’t actually have any money. We could clean your castle or something? So long as you don’t play any of that awful rap at us, haha!”

Karkat stared in utter disbelief at the human. Who finished an appeal with an insult like that? Aside from maybe Karkat himself. But that was different.

His Lordship was watching them with an unreadable expression, before the corner of his mouth twitched a little. Before long, he was clutching his stomach and gasping for air, miming wiping a tear from his eye. God, they weren’t that funny. Douchecanoe was probably exaggerating for comic effect. The guy was every bit as bad as Egbert.

“Oh my God, you guys are fucking priceless. Troll’s a total tool, but I kind of like you,” he gestured to John, “what did you say your name was?”

“Uh, John Egbert?”

“Huh. I knew a John once. Insufferable ray of sunshine I met as a kid. Not that that’s the only John I ever knew, obviously. Name’s common as dirt around here and all. Why do parents ever think calling their kid John is a good idea? ‘Oh honey, it’s a boy!’ ‘What do we name him?’ ‘I know, John!’ So unoriginal it hurts. But whatever. You’re all right, Egbert. I guess you and your buddy here can do something for me.

“I’m about to go on a quest, as you can see, and it was going to be noble as fuck. But actually, playing out that fairy tale cliché is downright embarrassing and not to mention a waste of my valuable time. So you guys do this quest for me, I’ll give you back your precious swamp. Though why the hell a shitty piece of land like that is of any value to you is fucking beyond me.”

“Pfft, that’s what I said!”

“Shut your wind pipe, John. What’s this ‘quest’?” Karkat tried to spit out the word quest with as much venom as he could muster.

“Okay, here’s the deal. I’m getting married this year, and you lucky guys get the job of rescuing my bride-to-be. A princess. We don’t know her name, but she’s meant to be hot as hell. We have the vaguest idea of where she’s being held and apparently you’ve gotta rescue her from a dragon or some shit. You chumps up to the challenge? You might die, but you know. Sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

Karkat was less than confident that he’d be able to complete a feat like that, but like he was going to say that. “Challenge accepted. Start readying that eviction notice.”

-xxx-

They were walking through a farm. Of course, John Egbert decided to accompany him. Right after giving Strider a fist bump. Why were those two suddenly buddies anyway? Lord Strider was the enemy! Though it didn’t really matter. Find the tower, slay the dragon, rescue the princess, deliver her to that prick of a lord. Oh, and try not to murder Egbert in the process. Seemed simple enough.

“Bluh, I still think accepting this quest was a dumb idea!”

“Well, you’re the one who offered to ‘come to some sort of an agreement’, so whose fault is that? Oh wait, _yours_.”

“I just think it seems overly dangerous and completely illogical! Princess probably doesn’t even exist. And the map we got given is the most useless piece of shit I’ve ever seen.” He waved it around in protest. In all fairness, it _was_ a pretty shitty map. It was like Strider had made it horrendously illegible on purpose, just to irritate them. Ugh.

“If you hadn’t undermined my intimidation strategy, maybe we wouldn’t need to be doing this at all.”

“Intimidation strategy? Dude, that was not intimidating. It was fucking hysterical. The thing is Karkat, your angry tirades are honestly more cute then they are scary. I dunno why trolls are made out to be so vicious and frightening in stories!”

What the fuck? This was so hideously uncalled far. Karkat just glared at John, silently telling him to shut the hell up. He didn’t seem to get the message, rummaging on the ground before picking up some mouldy looking vegetable, showing it with a flourish.

“I have a developed a theory on you guys! Bear with me, okay? Trolls are like… onions!”

“Onions.”

“Yeah, totally.”

He folded his arms and looked at John sceptically. “How so?”

“The layers, dude. Trolls have layers, and so do onions. Like, I think there’s more to trolls than just being deadly and vicious all the time. Or more to you, anyway. I’m pretty sure underneath that angry layer there’s a pretty great dude! So yeah. Trolls; onions.”

“What a scientific theory you’ve developed there.” He paused to consider John’s words. It was pretty obvious really. Everyone had layers, it was called having depth as a person. Nobody was exactly who they appeared to be on the surface, right? Still, it was nice that John thought of him that way. He guessed. “Why onions, though? They’re not exactly universally well-liked. Couldn’t you have used a nicer metaphor, like a cake?”

“No way, fuck cake!” Karkat raised an eyebrow. He didn’t like cake? “My Dad used to feed me so much cake, I got seriously sick of it. If I was holding one right now I would throw it on the ground, just to emphasise my disgust. That’s how much cake blows. Wait, hold on.” He hurled the onion at the dirt, crushing it savagely under his foot. “…Imagine that was a cake just now.”

“Wow, you sure must hate desserts a lot.”

“Not all of them! Parfait’s pretty good. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who doesn’t like parfait? It’s basically the greatest.”

“Okay, I’ll admit parfait is fucking delicious. Ice cream in general is first-rate cuisine.”

“Dude, we should totally go get parfait when all this adventuring stuff is over.”

“…Yeah, okay.”

-xxx-

“I'm on my waaaaay! From misery to happiness tooooooooday. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, UH-HUH!”

Karkat still wasn’t sure why he hadn’t strangled this human by now. Honestly, he was ruining the almost perfectly picturesque sunset with the atrocious serious of squawks he insisted on calling ‘singing’.

“I'm on my waaaaay! From misery to happiness tooooooooday. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, UH-HUUUH! I'm on my way to what I want from this world! And years from now you'll make it-”

“Seriously John, shut your chitinous windhole this instant.” John just grinned at him craftily. A crafty grin looking completely stupid on his face, naturally.

“AND EVERYTHIIIING, THAT YOU RECEIVE UP YONDER…”

“OH MY GOD FUCK YOU. That’s it, adventure cancelled. I’m going back to the swamp. I’d rather share it with all those insufferable assholes than be subjected to one more minute of this drivel.”

John just slung an arm round his shoulders and continued ‘singing’ at the top of his voice, telling Karkat to ‘just chill out’ and encouraging him to join in.

Karkat hated himself for obliging.

-xxx-

Camping out sucked. They’d gone out into the woods looking for firewood, and John had taken the liberty of jumping out of the shadows and scaring him shitless. Karkat did not give an iota of a fuck about how high his ‘Prankster’s Gambit’ was after that little stunt. He had nearly died of a heart attack, and he was never forgiving the human.

They had no idea how to actually get a fire started.

“You’re some kind of magical human, right? Can’t you do some kind of spell?”

“I don’t do SPELLS, douchelord. It’s like, windy magic. This is fire; it’s a whole other ball game. Don’t trolls have any magical abilities?”

“Obviously not, assmaggot, or I’d be harnessing them right now.”

They both stared at the pile of sticks they’d assembled, hoping it would spontaneously burst into flames. Damn, it was freezing. Maybe they’d have to huddle together for warmth? Karkat hated himself for even harbouring such a thought.

“Hold on, I got this. I think you’re meant to like, rub two flints together!”

Miraculously enough, John actually succeeded. Karkat hated himself even more for being marginally disappointed.

Not that the heat the fire provided stopped John from clinging to him like an aquatic gastropod mollusc the entire night.

The next morning was a total disaster, (as was becoming customary for Karkat at this point). He sprang away from John the moment he woke, accidentally sticking his foot in the smouldering remains of the fire. It didn’t completely burn him, but it still fucking hurt.

After a moment of panic and confusion, Karkat screeching profanities and John waking up confused and dreary, they decided they needed to put the thing out.

“Okay, I got this one, too! We just need to piss on it. That ought to do the trick. ”

“Gross.”

-xxx-

John sure did talk a lot. When he wasn’t polluting his ears with horrendous singing, he was going on and _on_ about all the inane details of his life. And a load of shitty books he liked to read in his spare time. Nothing compared to the romantic masterpieces he read. But as much as he didn’t want to, Karkat knew about half of his life story now. As well as the entire plot of Armageddon.

He was actually remembering these trivialities better than he remembered the details of his precious romance novels. Oh no. This was bad.

He was noticing more and more things about John. Little things. The way he stuck his lips out to the side when he was uncertain about something. The way he groped around in the morning looking for his glasses. The way he exaggerated almost every movement, like his life was a pantomime. The infuriating sound of his laughter. And his eyes. John had really blue eyes.

Karkat had read more than enough romances to know exactly where this was going, and he wasn’t happy about it.

“Hey, check out that view! Pretty awesome, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

They were standing at the top of a cliff, and the view _was_ pretty spectacular. But Karkat was far, far more impressed by the look of the human next to him.  Which sounded sickeningly cliché, and Karkat hated himself for thinking it.

He hated himself more for falling in love with John Egbert than he’d ever hated himself for anything.

Which was really, really saying something. After all, Karkat hated himself a _lot_.

-xxx-

“Dude, dude! I think we made it?” John and Karkat had just reached the top of a slope, and right in front of them was a castle. A castle surrounded by boiling lava. Fucking perfect. Karkat was not too thrilled about this. Lava was not in their job description.

“Whoop-di-fucking-do. We’ve found a castle that looks intimidating enough to house a locked-away princess. There’s a tower and everything, and I’ll bet she’s right at the top. Probably dangerous as hell.”

“You still want to go for it? We can just turn around and head home if you want, you know!”

“No way. We’re doing this.”

“We’re making it happen?”

“Whatever the hell that means, sure.”

John looked at Karkat then looked back at the castle, a grin slowly growing on his face. “Sure, it’s big enough; but _look at the location_!” John was the only one laughing. Karkat wasn’t dignifying that pathetic attempt at humour with a response, and certainly didn’t smile a little.

“Come on, fucknuts. Let’s just rescue the damn princess already.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we're getting to the really good parts now! I'm so excited to write the next few chapters. I've been calculating, and we should end up with 9? But I might end up deviating from that. Anyway, thanks for sticking with me, guys! Sorry for being so slow.


	4. I'm On My Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm on a roll writing this! I'll try and keep churning out chapters regularly. I'm pretty excited about the next one.

The two of them stared at the castle in front of them, approaching it slowly. Nothing but a rickety bridge separated them from the building. Whelp, how bad could it be? John took a few steps forward, nudging Karkat in the right direction.

The troll looked pretty hesitant.

“Hehehe. Come on Karkat, you’re not _scared_ , right?”

“Of course I’m fucking not. Follow me.” Annnd Karkat was marching across the bridge with determination. That was still bullshit, though. He was totally scared, John could kind of tell! But he followed his pal regardless, just kind of hovering above the bridge by a few inches rather than actually putting his weight on it.

Then there was a snapping sound.

Karkat screeched and span round, trying to walk back the way he came. There was a look of absolute terror on his face, and it was _freaking hilarious_.  Going on this ‘quest’ had been the best decision ever, John was so glad he chose to accompany this dude.

“Dude, you’re already half way across!”

“Yeah, well, I know _that_ half is safe!”

Resisting the urge to laugh, John gave a shrug and landed on the bridge, his feet finally touching the planks. “Okay, whatever. You head back.” Karkat growled.

“Move out of the way then, nookwagon.”

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of all this lava!” John shouted back at him, taking deliberately heavy steps towards him that made the whole bridge rock. He couldn’t tell if Karkat was more frightened or furious, but his expression was absolutely priceless. His face was red, his huge eyebrows were furrowed and he was actually bearing his fangs. It wasn’t particularly frightening, though! More like the best thing he’d ever seen.

“Egbert, stop that right now. I am going to END YOU.”

“Huh? Keep doing it?” John grinned brightly back at him, and waved his hands through the air in an overly dramatic gesture, summoning the breeze. He was just going to swing the bridge a _little_. And Karkat’s reaction made it completely worth it. Best prank he’d done in ages.

“Fuck fucking you, John Egbert. You know damn well that’s not what I said! I’m going to fucking decapitate you with my sickle and offer your severed head to the princess as a trophy.” The troll was backing up quickly, hurling profanities at John, but that didn’t stop the boy from following him to the other side, giggling the whole time.

“See? That wasn’t so bad, right?” He gave Karkat a quick pat on the head, giving him a patronizing smirk. Which didn’t make Karkat look any less angry. Hahaha, oh well! Time to conquer this castle.

It was really freaking dark inside. Suits of armour littered the halls, cobwebs hung from every corner and there were a whole load of really weird looking paintings. Whoever created them was clearly a horrible artist to rival the likes of Lord Strider! And whoever lived here was clearly horrible at cleaning.

It looked like the setting of a ghost story, really! John adored ghost stories. The comedy ones were the best, obviously, but he’d read the odd scary story now and again, too. They were pretty great. There could _so_ be a ghost in this castle. The whole place _screamed_ ghosts!

“Hey, hey, hey, Karkat! Think this place has ghoooosts?? Maybe the monster guardian thing isn’t a dragon at all? It could be like, something way creepier!”

“Don’t be absurd, shitglobes. Ghosts are made up bullshit for silly wigglers. They’re not real.”

“Hey! They _could_ be real! We don’t know for certain, right?” John had always kind of hoped they were real, because that would be totally awesome, but right now he was very much hoping they weren’t. Okay, thinking about ghosts so much was sort of giving him the creeps.

“Sure, whatever,” Karkat rolled his eyes, totally unconvinced, “let’s split up, we’ll get done faster that way. You go that way, I’ll go this way.” And there he was, marching off in the opposite direction. Woah, this was a terrible idea.

“Wait, wait!” John grabbed his arm and pulled him back, giving him a pleading look. “I’ve read a lot of horror stories, Karkat. A lot! And you know what? Splitting up in a clearly dangerous and potentially haunted area is never a good idea! Particularly when there’s supposed to be like, a dragon or something here. What if you run into it and I’m not there to save your ass???”

“Like I need saving, douchefuck. If anything, it will be the other way round. Just try and avoid getting into trouble. Look for the princess. She should be in the highest tower, so find a flight of stairs. Avoid any dragons or ‘ghosts’. Got it?”

“Fine, fine,” muttered John as he walked away sullenly. “I’ll take care of all those stairs. Oh man, I should have warned Karkat about stairs!” The word stairs pretty much always triggered him into saying something along those words. It was a stupid in-joke he had with some friends when he was a kid. He didn’t remembered what the actual joke was supposed to be, though. Something about falling down them? Who even knew.

But oh, he’d only gone a few yards and there was totally a staircase right in front of him. Sweet! He climbed the stairs eagerly, hoping they could just find the girl and be done with this creepy-ass castle.

There wasn’t a girl at the top of the stairs.

There was a dragon. A white one, with bright red eyes.

A _baby_ dragon.

It was all kinds of adorable, actually. Would a baby dragon still be dangerous? It certainly didn’t look all that threatening! It sniffed the air as he came in, before fixing a blank looking gaze on him and prowling in his direction. He took a hesitant step backward and very nearly fell down the stairs. Woah, close call! “I told you, dog!” he whispered to himself with a chuckle.

Shit, the dragon’s eyes were totally on him now. Was it going to attack him? Maybe he could sort of befriend it with his natural charm! Tentatively, he stretched an arm out towards it. And to his surprise, it dashed right over to him, sniffed his hand cautiously, before rubbing its face against it. Huh. That sort of went better than expected! John was the dragon whisperer, it was him. Maybe he was actually secretly a dragon master, with a great destiny ahead of him! Hahaha, yeah right.

There was another flight of stairs ahead of him that looked as if they went higher up, but that wasn’t the main concern right now. After all, John should probably let Karkat know about this shocking dragon development. “Dude!” he called down the stairs, “get up here, pronto! I have kind of made buddies with this dragon here.”

The dragon was kind of cute, really. He decided to christen it Maurice, after one of his favourite characters in a book he’d read. Maurice was kind of a monster who turned out to actually be fun to hang out with, so it was pretty fitting.

“Okay, Egbert. Explain yourself,” and there was Karkat, right on call. “Oh sweet taint chafing fuck, you weren’t kidding around. Is that the dragon?”

“I guess so! Unless he’s just the baby of a bigger, scarier dragon. Which it might be.”

“Don’t say shit like that. What do we do with it? Slay it?”

“Aww, do we have to? I kind of like him.” John turned away from Karkat to bend down and pet ‘Maurice’ a little more. Good dragon. Cutie.

“I don’t know. Maybe not. They usually slay the monster in all the stories, but this thing seems harmless enough. Maybe we don’t need to? Come to think of it, it looks kind of like a lus-”

A thud. What was Karkat doing, banging his head against the wall? John wouldn’t put something dumb like that past him. He glanced over his shoulder and holy shit, Karkat was on the ground. “Woah, holy shit. Karkat, are you o-” A throbbing pain in the head.

“Ouch.”

John saw black.

-xxx-

Terezi had wasted no time in tying up the two intruders, and carrying them up the stairs to her room. What kind of criminal barged into a girl’s hive like that? It was so totally illegal, and she was going to interrogate the fuck out of them as soon as they came to. Especially about what they’d been planning to do to her dear, sweet, lusus. She was pretty sure the human boy and called her dragon a ‘he’, too. How dare he! The lusus was clearly a girl.

Speaking of which, it smelled as if the human was stirring. Terezi put on her best ‘intimidating’ pose, brandishing her cane threateningly.

“What are you two clowns doing in my hive?” She took several slow, deliberate steps towards the boy, sniffing the air around him. She could smell fear. Damn straight. He should be scared. She could smell blueberry, too. Yum.

“You’re a troll?”

“Of course I’m a troll, dummy. You’re on the outskirts of the troll kingdom.” Her expression hardened. “You didn’t answer my question, human. What makes you think you can break into an unsuspecting blind girl’s hive and attempt to kill her lusus?”

“Uh…”

“We’re looking for a princess.” Oh. Sounded like the short troll with the nubby horns had woken up. “Don’t blame us, it’s just the wretched mission we got sent on. Trust Strider to be hunting down a troll princess all along, though.”

“Oooooh, yeah. He kind of hates trolls! Lord Strider’s going to be pretty mad.”

Terezi looked at the human boy, then at the troll, then at the human again, before bursting into laughter. “Why does every single chump we meet think we’re so goddamned hilarious?” she heard the troll mutter.

“Maybe because you’re a pair of total idiots! Sorry guys, your princess is in another castle. Do I look like royalty to you? Troll aristocracy is made up of sea dwellers, stupid. I’m just a teal blood.” She looked at the troll sceptically, or at least turned her head in what smelled like his direction. “You’re a troll, aren’t you? How did you not know this?”

“Like I know shit about troll society. I was banished before I was a sweep old.”

Banished, hmmm? Sounded suspicious. This was possibly a pair of criminals she was dealing with, here. What crimes could you commit as a grub that’d get you banished? The banishment explained why he was consorting with some human kid though, she supposed. Said human kid decided to speak up.

“So, do you know where the princess is then? We’d be _ever so grateful_ for your help.” She couldn’t see him, but from his tone, it sounded like he was attempting some atrocious sort of charming smile. Terezi was having none of this in her courtroom! She drubbed him on the head with her cane to drive this point home.

“You’re too late, boys. Princess Feferi was recused from her underwater prison last Tuesday. Some knight named Equius, I heard! They’re challenging the queen together this weekend and if they win, she’s ascending to the throne with him as her King. Pretty cool, huh? I’m so fed up of her Imperiousness. Not that you’d know how crappy her rule’s been, Mr Banished-Before-I-Was-A-Sweep-Old.”

“Wow, we are sooo screwed!” lamented the human, whilst the other just quietly chanted the word ‘fuck’ over and over.

“Fuck. Okay. You can explain this to his Lordship then, whatever your name is. You’re coming with us. If we go back empty handed, we’ll look like idiots, and I’ll never get my swamp back.”

“What the hell do you want a swamp back for? Sounds like a shitty smelling place to stick a hive to me!” She laughed again, loudly and harshly. She hoped it was harshly. She practiced laughing daily, with varying levels of evilness to it. Super villain laughter was her favourite thing ever. “Besides, you two are in no permission to make demands. You’re both tied up, and I’d be pretty vindicated if I just executed you both right here.” She waved the cane again with as much gusto as she could muster. They smelled downright terrified. Mmm, delicious.

“Luckily for you two, I’m in a good mood!” she trilled, untying the two of them at last. Seriously, they were clearly completely harmless. “And anyway, accompanying you back to this human kingdom might be fun. I’ve always wanted to go explore the outside world, but I had to protect my lusus. She was an un-hatched dragon’s egg until a few weeks back, you know! But I think she should be able to take care of herself now. And you two seem like reliable enough gentlemen, even if you’re both complete morons. I’ll come meet this ‘Lord Strider’ with you, I guess. Be grateful!”

“Wow, really? Sweet.”

“Ugh, and so another sorry fuck joins the abominable quest train. Welcome aboard, take a seat. There will be no complementary food or drinks. To your left, you can see the long, tedious journey back we’re about to embark on. On your right, our inevitable failure in getting my swamp back. Enjoy the ride.”

“What a grump! I like you already. I’m Terezi.”

“I’m Karkat. And this idiot’s John.”

Terezi was definitely going to have fun hanging around these two.  

-xxx-

They wasted no time getting out of that castle. John was pretty relieved to be leaving, that place kind of gave him the creeps! Although frankly, their new companion kind of gave him the creeps, too. Maurice had followed them as far as the bridge, but John guessed he wouldn’t be escorting them any further than that. He’d kind of miss him!

“Goodbye, Maurice, old buddy.” John gave him a pat on the snout, only to receive another drubbing from Terezi.

“She’s a girl, you bumhole!”

“Okay, okay! Goodbye, girl-dragon.”

The two trolls had already started on the bridge. They’d nearly reached the other side, in fact. Man, John needed to catch up. He ran across after them, paying no heed to the fact that the bridge was old, and also rickety as fuck. The weight was too much. Just as Karkat and Terezi reached the other safety of the bank, the ropes snapped, and John felt himself hurtling down.

Not that this was really any sort of problem! He could fly, remember? But it was a totally sweet pranking opportunity. Instead of flying straight back up, John swooped down, stopping just under the cliff, out of site, hovering just above the lava. It was hot as hell, but it was worth it! Because what he heard come out of Karkat’s mouth next was priceless.

“Oh fuck. Oh fuck, oh fuck oh fuck! He’s gone, Terezi. He’s fucking gone! The one person I meet who actually treats me like I matter, and I go ahead and let him die. This can’t be happening, oh my God!” John was pretty sure Karkat was actually crying. Oh man, that was great. And actually a little touching. He felt kind of bad, now. Kind of. “I never even had a chance to tell him-”

“Tell me what, Karkat?” John floated back up to join the others, smug grin on his face. Karkat looked relieved for a second, actually smiling for a brief moment, before his face became furious. As usual. There were totally tears in his eyes too, just as John had suspected! They were red tears, too, which was kinda weird! A troll thing, he guessed? “Oooh, were you gonna confess your undying love for me? I never knew you cared!”

“Of course not, fucknuckle. I just wanted to tell you how horrendous your singing was one more time before you died.”

“Rats.”

Terezi looked amused by their whole exchange. As well she should be! John was hilarious. And he guessed Karkat was sort of okay. Unintentionally hilarious, sort of.

“Karkat. If you’re done having an emotional breakdown over the pretend death of blueberry boy, we have a journey to be undertaking.”

“Yeah, Karkat! Quit mourning my death and get your butt moving.”

“Ugh, I’m coming.”


	5. Stay Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is out so late! Writing this chapter was sort of daunting for a lot of reasons. Hope it's enjoyed!

Travelling with Terezi in their party was… different. Mostly really annoying. She was so full of questions! And God, was her laughter irritating. Karkat didn’t regret bringing her back, exactly. But she sure was grating on his nerves.

“Soooo. Tell me about this Lord Strider I’m supposed to be meeting. What’s he like?”

“He’ll probably arrest you on the spot. He’s outlawed all ‘fairy tale creatures’ in his bullshit kingdom. Not that it actually is a kingdom, since he isn’t even a king.”

“That’s why we were supposed to be finding a princess for him!”

“Yeah, so that he can marry her without taking her feelings into account and finally acquire the title he’s always dreamed of. King of the Douchebags.”

“Haha, yeah. He’s not so bad, though. I’m sure he’ll see the error of his ways sooner or later!”

“Your utter faith in complete assholes astounds me, John.”

He didn’t mention it, obviously, but he was also talking about himself. Why had John insisted on becoming friends with a scumbag like him, and actually helped him out? It didn’t really make sense. Karkat was basically a complete prick towards him, why hadn’t he scared him off? He’d say the human was just a complete ass too, but that wasn’t really true.

Well, it _was_. But John wasn’t just a complete ass. He was a nice guy too. Karkat wasn’t.

“So boys, it’s getting pretty dark. How about we find somewhere to camp?”

“No, fuck camping. Let’s just keep going and we’ll be back in Douchebag Kingdom tomorrow.”

Neither Terezi nor John looked impressed by his perfectly logical suggestion.

“Bluh, no way! My feet hurt.”

“Mine too!”

“You can fucking fly, you don’t even need to use feet.”

But nope, Terezi and John were already sitting down near a cliff edge and marking out the best spot for a campfire. Looked like, as usual, he had no say in the matter! Ugh, if they had to piss on the damn thing to put it out the next morning, Karkat was having none of it. Hopefully John would have the decency to come up with a better solution, what with Terezi there. But who knew?

-xxx-

Jade Harley growled and punched a cushion. This was such a bummer. Of course, there was no way her horrid adopted mother and her foul sisters had ever been planning on letting Jade attend the ball, but still! She’d hoped they might have let up in their poor treatment of her and let her do something nice just once. A ball at the Strider palace sounded really nice! And she’d saved up all her money for this cute sparkly black dress! Not getting to wear it was going to suck.

She gave an overdramatic sigh and snuggled down into her basket, her doggie ears drooping. Jade actually kind of liked the ears, and thought they were pretty adorable, but the people she lived with sure as hell didn’t. She still couldn’t believe her family had given her an actual dog basket to sleep in. It was really mean! Someday she’d show them. She’d become the most powerful witch in the kingdom and zap them all. Maybe turn them into dog-people, and see how they liked it.

There was a knock at the door.

Jade climbed up wearily and went to get it, ready to tell whoever was knocking that no, her ‘family’ was at the ball right now and they’d have to come ‘round some other time! It was like ten o’clock, and knocking in the first place at this time of night was pretty rude! Maybe she’d scold them about that.

When she opened the door, she nearly fainted.

The girl in the porch had dark grey skin, but she was no troll. She was a human, with short blonde hair, a short stature to match, and a familiar pair of purple eyes. Jade recognised her instantly. She looked like she’d been tangling with dark forces, but this was clearly one of her childhood best friends.

“Rose!” she squealed, pulling the girl into a hug just as she had started extend an arm for a polite handshake. Handshakes were no way to greet your best friend in the whole world!

“Good evening, Jade. I trust you remember me?”

“Remember you? How could I forget? You, John and Dave will always be my best friends, no matter how much time passes.  But why are you here? How did you find me? I didn’t think I’d ever see you again!” Her face shifted from one exaggerated expression to the next, as Jade felt a mixture of elation, confusion and worry passing through her.

“John forgot,” she murmured quietly, “I saw him at the swamp, but he didn’t seem to recognise me. But that’s not important right now.” Her voice cleared up. She was business-like, practical. “Now, Jade. I was sent here by a vision given to me by the horrorterrors, and-”

“Oh no, Rose.” Jade frowned. “They don’t sound very trustworthy to me! Are you sure you should be getting involved in this stuff? How did that happen, anyway? Weren’t you a princess?”

“I’ll explain on the way,” said Rose curtly. “Right now, we have a ball to get to.”

-xxx-

Terezi had fallen asleep surprisingly quickly. Karkat guessed she just wasn’t used to walking such long distances. Or maybe she was just lazy as hell. Well, in all honesty it _was_ pretty late. But Karkat didn’t exactly sleep much, and he definitely wouldn’t be getting any shut-eye for at least another few hours.

Especially with John talking his auricular sponge clots off. Unbearably, he hadn’t gone to sleep yet, so Karkat was stuck with the human for now.

“Man, look at all those stars. There sure are a lot of them out tonight. I kind of wish I knew more about ‘em! Most space stuff I know about is just meteors. Meteors are sweet. Though if one actually crashed into our planet that’d probably suck ass. Oh! I think I know that constellation. The Big Dipper, right?”

“That’s not the big dipper, you worthless sack of shit. The Big Dipper isn’t even a constellation; it’s the seven brightest stars in Ursa Major. What you’re pointing at is Cassiopeia.”

“Okay. I do not really care.”

“You just say you wanted to know more about them, bulgemunch. God, this must be why you’re so stupid. You don’t even bother to learn about things you’re actively interested in! Well, listen up fucknuts, you’re about to get educated. See, how it looks kind of like a ‘W’? Well, it’s supposed to represent a crown. The crown of one of the most beautiful human women there ever was. But her vanity angered the gods, so she was made into a star as punishment.”

“Why do you know so much about human mythology, Karkat?”

“I read a lot of your romance novels. Troll ones aren’t exactly in high supply where we live, remember?”

“Romance novels? Pfft, so lame. What does that have to do with mythology and astronomy, anyway?”

“They’re not lame, they’re freaking masterpieces. In this one called Serendipity, the guy points out that the girl’s freckles look just like the constellation.”

“Sounds like a pretty shitty pick up line to me!”

“It’s really fucking romantic in context, okay?”

“I dunno Karkat, I am pretty sure actual star-gazing is a thousand times more romantic than gazing at some chick’s freckles!”

Actual star-gazing? In other words, what they were doing right now? It almost sounded like he was implying something, but that was probably just wishful thinking. For one thing, John definitely lacked the intelligence to pull off a hint that subtle. John was the sort of boy who would be completely and unapologetically upfront about it. For another, John was a _human_. Humans and trolls didn’t romance each other. It simply wasn’t a thing. Even this interspecies friendship disaster symphony they were conducting was kind of pushing it, there was no way John would be interested in taking it further. Also, Karkat had read a lot of human romances. He knew damn well relationships with two males were far from the norm. John had even outright said that he wasn’t a homosexual.

And of course, even if all those things somehow weren’t issues, there was the indisputable fact that Karkat was abhorrent on every conceivable level. Why the hell would anyone, let alone this stupid obnoxiously perfect human, actually see him in a romantic light? The very idea was preposterous.

“Hey, Karkat? What are we going to do when we get our swamp, anyway?”

“OUR swamp?” It was too much. John Egbert was determined to become some sort of permanent fixture in Karkat’s life, and he knew he couldn’t handle it. What was he meant to do, just waste away his life pining helplessly for this guy? No. No way. Whatever this was, it was staying temporary. “John, there is no ‘WE’. There’s no ‘OUR’. It’s _my_ hive, built in _my_ swamp, and the first thing I’m going to do is erect a huge fucking wall around it to keep worthless fucks like you out.”

“Oh man, harsh. I’m so upset, Karkat.” He was trying to sound joking, but his face actually did look a little upset. Shit. Karkat tried to push any guilty feelings out of his head and rolled over, facing firmly away from John.

But of course the nookstain had to sit up and crawl round to the other side of him, peering at him intently, like he was analysing him carefully. It was kind of unnerving.

“Dude, you are hiding something.” Shit, the human was more perceptive than he gave him credit for.

“I’m not hiding shit, I just don’t like you. At all.”

“Really?” John paused, as if taking a moment to consider this new information, before shaking his head. “Right. I am thinking this is that onion thing again. Or was it a cake thing? I forget what we settled on.”

“It’s not any of those atrocious foodstuffs. It’s a fuck-off-and-leave-me-alone thing.”

“I think you ought to talk about it!”

“Seriously, I don’t want to.”

“Why are you avoiding the question?”

“What question?”

“The obvious question! Who are you trying to block out?”

“Who am I trying to block out. _Who am I trying to block out?_ Try EVERYONE. Humans, trolls, fucking fairy tale assholes, all of them! I don’t want any of them near me and my land, okay? I just want to be left alone!” Karkat was getting angrier than he had been in sweeps, and it was this kid’s fault. What made him think that probing him with all these questions was okay? Just to the drive the fuck-off point home, he stood up forcefully, walked several yards away and sat down on the edge of the cliff with a huff.

He briefly considered just flinging himself off the damn thing, but of course he was too cluckbeastshit to actually go through with it.

“Hey, Karkat?” John’s voice was softer now, and a whole lot less aggressive. It made his bloodpusher speed up that little bit more. He wanted to rip the thing out and fling _that_ off the cliff, instead. “What is it you have against everyone?”

Karkat sighed. “I don’t have a problem with them, John. They have a problem with me. You humans are all the same. You look at me and think ‘shit, a troll! Better run for the hills, this thing’s obviously out to get me!’ Even when I try acting nice, the reaction is always the same. Violent retaliation, or complete fear. I’m sick of it.”

“Why don’t you just go find some troll buddies, then?”

“It’s not that simple! I was banished for a reason, John.” He paused. He’d grown up thinking it was best not to tell people about this, but... What harm could a human kid do with the information? “I’m a fucking mutant. Deformed. I was banished from troll society as a wiggler and if I tried returning I’d pretty much just be hanging up a big fat ‘cull me’ sign. Hostility is better than having members of your own species out for your blood. Your fucking disgusting bright red blood.”

There was a long silence. Karkat wasn’t quite sure if it was an awkward one or not. Then he felt John sitting himself down next to him and even -God help him- slinging a friendly arm around him. Man, Karkat was so screwed. He was so red for this boy that being around him was starting to become a little unbearable.

“You know, Karkat! When we met, I didn’t think any of that stuff. I just saw a guy like me, who was in trouble for being a little different.”

“I know, John.”

“I think you’re great! Really.”

“You’re completely fucking wrong, and it’s not as if I place any value on your opinion whatsoever but thanks.”

He guessed they could be friends. John might not feel the same way, but it wasn’t _that_ important. He was lucky to have somebody who cared about him in any way at all, and he’d take what he could get.

-xxx-

Dave was never one for balls. They were pretty fucking lame, but he was pretty much obliged to throw them in order to keep his people happy. Man, he was such a giver. It was hard being this generous.

In theory the balls were also supposed to help him find a bride, but fuck that. Dave was settling for no less than a princess. Possibly multiple princesses. He’d found out the other day his brother hadn’t just married a princess. Oh no. In true Strider fashion, he’d married a Princess, a local Duke, _and_ a peasant girl. Those swag levels were off the scale. The only way Dave was outdoing the guy was marrying like five princesses.

Not that he was expecting to find any here.

That was, until they walked in. A girl with a literal black cloud enveloping her, followed by some chick with dog ears. Total freaks, obviously. But still pretty attractive. And… strangely familiar?

He approached the couple, trying to look as confident as possible. They were princesses, right? He’d hit the jackpot, really.

_“There’s one girl, Snow White. She was born a princess, but her stepmother usurped the throne and had her banished. They say her skin was once as white as her name, but she’s been practicing dark magic to survive and its corrupting influenced has dyed it a murky grey. Her whereabouts are unknown.”_

They looked happy enough to see him. Which of course they would, he was Lord freaking Strider. But there was something else there. A spark of recognition. He could almost have sworn he knew these girls from somewhere.

_“There’s another kingdom where the king and queen desperately wanted an heir, but the wife was unable to bear a child. When the queen’s beloved pet dog gave birth to puppies, a kindly fairy took pity on the queen and transformed the eldest pup into a human. The queen was delighted, but the king dismissed her as a freak, and sent her to live with a peasant family.”_

“Ladies. Guess what, it’s your lucky day. You’ve been selected to marry me. I know, I know. It’s a real honour. You can thank me later.”

The dark one raised an eyebrow, arms folded. “Which of us are you proposing to, exactly?”

Dave smirked, trying to look cool. Which he didn’t actually feel right now. Being smooth and suave was actually kind of hard when you thought you might have fallen in love at first sight.

“Both of you, of course.”

“Hahahahaha, oh my God, Dave. That’s so weird!” And woah, doggie girl was pulling him into a hug. “Of course I’ll marry your dorky coolkid butt!”

“…Jade?” Holy shit, the memories were flooding back. It was those kids he’d been so close to that one summer. What were they, seven? Trust them to grow up into total hotties.

“Of course it’s me, idiot! What, you were going to propose before you even knew who I was?”

“You have dog ears.”

“I always wore a hood when I was a kid.”

He turned to Rose. “You’re all grimdark.”

“It’s been a few years.”

“Huh.” He paused, looking between the two of them incredulously. This was so surreal. All that was missing was that John kid. Oh, crap. The boy he’d met the other day who’d been hanging out with the troll. That was him, wasn’t it?

“So, what do you say, Rose? Want in on a sexy three-way marriage?”

“That may just be the most unromantic proposal of all time,” she rolled her eyes, grinning a little. “It would be my pleasure.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this sure is a thing hopefully nobody was expecting.


	6. You Belong To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter this time! This one was really fun to write.

Terezi had totally overheard Karkat and that human kid last night. If they’d thought she was asleep, they’d thought wrong! Sure, she’d been _trying_ to get some sleep, but those two jerks had been blathering on really loudly about stars and a bunch of angsty shit.

Karkat was a mutantblood, though! Who saw that one coming? Consorting with him was probably completely illegal, but she felt a little sorry for the poor guy. Besides, she wasn’t all that concerned with hemospectrum bullshit. The highbloods could suck it, she’d be as friendly with him as she liked.

Right now, it looked as though she was the first one awake! John was clinging to Karkat in his sleep and mumbling something about hating cakes. Wow, what a loser. These two had to be the lamest guides ever.

Well, whilst they were asleep she might as well make herself useful. Manipulate some animals to their deaths and get some food out of it, hopefully!

-xxx-

John woke up to the smell of eggs cooking, and opened his eyes. It only took him a moment to notice how close he was to Karkat, and he quickly scurried back.

The girl they’d picked up the other day cackled. “Morning John! How do you like your eggs?” Man, there was something sinister about the way she asked such an innocent question. She sure had a way of making everything she said seem terrifying! He wondered where she even got those eggs.

“Uh, scrambled I guess?”

“Like I can scramble eggs over a campfire!”

“Geez, fine. Sunny side up?”

“Sure.”

John watched her cook with some curiosity. Should blind people be allowed to cook? It sure sounded dangerous! But then again, Terezi had that thrives-on-danger vibe to her. And seemed pretty capable for a blind girl.

He gave Karkat a nudge, figuring he should eat too. They had a long way to walk today, after all! With some luck, they’d even make it back to the castle!

“Fuck off, what is it?”

“Terezi made eggs.”

The troll sat up slowly, eyeing the eggs with suspicion.

“I didn’t poison them, Karkat. Eat up!”

“Ugh, fine,” John didn’t know why Karkat was being so reluctant about FREE FOOD. “Thanks, I guess.”

“You’re welcome, grumpy.”

-xxx-

Jade’s dreams were all coming true! Now that she was engaged to a prince and a princess, her royal parents sure were eager to get back in touch with her and make her heiress again. Which was pretty neat! Her dad was still the biggest jerk ever for abandoning her because of the half-dog thing, and she didn’t really forgive him, but she guessed she was never his real daughter anyway.

She was just one of the queen’s dog’s puppies who was lucky enough to have some enchantment on her! Her real parents were both dogs, which was a pretty strange thought! She got to meet the dog that was her birth mother, when her ‘parents’ travelled down, actually. Becky, she was called. It was kind of a surreal experience, meeting her, but Jade did feel a sort of connection between them.

Her mother was nice, too! Her human mom, the queen who asked the fairy to make her a human in the first place. If it weren’t for her mean ol’ dad, maybe she and her could have built up a nice mother-daughter relationship. Maybe they still could?

From what Jade could tell, Rose was in a similar situation. Her dear old wicked stepmother was dying to get back in touch and get in on all this, but Rose was having none of it. The woman had usurped the throne, and tried to have Rose killed, and Rose was planning on taking her kingdom back with lots of fighting and magic.

Speaking of magic! Jade and Rose seemed to have convinced Dave to lift his ban on fairy tale creatures. He’d said he’d make exceptions for them since they were princesses, but Jade was _having none of it_.

“Dave, you are being a huge hypocritical butt about this.” Jade had said whilst the three of them were sitting round a table, eating together. It sure was a grand table! She was eating like a queen, here! Well, future queen. “What do you have against fairy tale creatures, anyway?”

“Bro’s kingdom doesn’t have them.”

“That’s just how it is naturally,” Rose cut in, “he didn’t banish them all, or have them all imprisoned. When was the last time you actually _talked_ to your brother? For all you know, he might be totally accepting of magical folk.”

“Well, maybe. That’s not the point though, Lalonde. There’s pretty much nothing more cliché and uncool than fairy tale bullshit.”

“Hahahahahaha! Aww, Dave. Come on!” Jade exclaimed, “you’re not even that cool, you don’t even think that.”

“No shut up.”

“Well, okay!! You’re cool. But not in that dumb way you pretend to be!”

The trolls, gnomes, pixies and what-not were released that day, though. Looked like Dave knew when she and Rose were talking sense! (All the time, naturally!)

Everything was working out like a dream come true. Jade had always hoped someday she’d be reunited with her childhood friends. Maybe even marry one of them. Marrying _two_ of them was almost too fantastic!

But there was something missing. Something really obvious.

“Hey, Rose. You said you ran into John back at the swamp. Where is he now?”

“Woah, hold up. You met John?” Dave looked completely surprised, “where is he now?”

“And more importantly!! Why didn’t you tell him who you were, Rose?”

“You didn’t say hi to him? Jesus, Rose. What was this, some passive aggressive game?”

She took a sip of her drink, obviously trying to look unconcerned. They could both see through her though, so Jade wasn’t sure why she bothered. “It’s a lot simpler than that, I’m afraid. I was… hurt. I recognised him immediately, but he didn’t seem to remember me at all. Too concerned with chasing after that troll buddy of his.”

“Well Rose, you’ve changed a lot! I didn’t recognise you at first either.”

“Wait, wait,” Dave stood up sharply. Heh, what a doofus, trying to be all dramatic. “Troll buddy?”

“Yeah, he was with this really short troll. They went looking for you, in fact. Of course, at the time I was completely unaware ‘Lord Strider’ referred to that insecure kid I met one summer. Did you ever meet John, or was their mission fruitless?”

“Yeah, I met him. I can’t believe I didn’t work it out, man. I knew he reminded me of him, I just. I dunno, I was pessimistic. Didn’t think it was our John. Kind of sent him and the troll on a suicide mission, actually.”

“Oh my God, Dave.”

“Don’t worry, I’m ninety nine per cent sure he’ll be fine.”

Jade wrinkled her nose. “He better be! I say when they get back we marry him, too.”

“He’s not a princess, though.”

“Like that matters!” Jade waved a hand dismissively. “He’s one of us and if he joined the wedding too everything would be perfect.”

“Not gonna argue there. Besides, he did grow up pretty hot, too.”

“Wow.” Rose raised an eyebrow, “does he get a say in any of this?”

“Nope!” giggled Jade.

“Come on Lalonde, don’t be a party pooper. Why would he say no?”

-xxx-

The three of them were walking through the woods together. Terezi was filling Karkat in on life in Alternia, and John was quietly listening too, though he didn’t understand a lot of it. Some troll culture stuff was pretty interesting! Like when Karkat was teaching him about their ridiculous and overly complex romance system. Terezi had filled them in on all the gossip about their evil queen and her much kinder heiress who’d be challenging her soon, and now she was babbling on about Alternian law. Evidently this was a subject close to her heart, because she spoke with enthusiasm and it was difficult to get her to shut up. Their legal system sounded badass, if completely terrifying and hugely unfair.

Karkat and Terezi really seemed to be hitting it off, though. It must be nice for Karkat to finally get to chat to somebody else of his species, if he’d been separated from them so long. They were slinging casual insults at each other, but they were laughing together, too.

“You know, Terezi. For a blueblood, you’re not that gut wrenchingly awful.”

“Hey! I’m a teal blood, for your information! There’s a diff-”

Before she could finish her sentence, Terezi was suddenly swept off her feet. Woah, what? John looked up, and a short (almost Karkat-level short!) girl troll was swinging on a rope, Terezi hoisted over her shoulder. Pretty strong for someone so small!

“The swift rogue captures the wandering traveller, and takes her hostage!” she called out in a high-pitched voice. “She demands food or money for her safe return!” She was in a tree now, keeping her arms around Terezi.

Shit, looked like there really were robbers in the woods.

“We don’t HAVE any food or money!” yelled an exasperated Karkat. “Look, I don’t know who you are or what kind of retard refers to themselves in third person, but-”

“Who she is? Damn. The rogue of heart apologises for her rudeness, and summons her band of kitties to introduce her through the medium… of song.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.”

“Ooooh, sounds entertaining. Let’s at least hear the song before we rescue Terezi, okay Karkat?”

“Fuck.”

“Here, kitty kitty kitties!” At the strange girl’s call, a large number of cats emerged from the woods. The magical talking kind, evidently, because they immediately starting to sing. It was some kind of cat-scat-singing background noise for the lead vocals, which were being sung by the girl herself.

“Nepeta, Nepeta! Prowling through the dark,  
Nepeta, Nepeta! The cutie rogue of heart!  
Has a band of cats,  
Plus several stylish hats!  
Nepeta! Nepeta! Nepetaaa- ouch.”

It seemed Terezi was not enjoying the song, because she’d just whacked this Nepeta girl across the head with her cane. Ouch.

The ‘rogue of heart’ fell from the braches and landed on the ground with a soft thud, the cats rushing over to check on her.

“She’s alive,” Terezi informed them as she jumped out of the tree. “Shall we go?”

“Uh, sure.” John was pretty blown away by what had just happened.

Karkat sped up a little to catch up with her. “Hey, you’re completely psycho, you know that? We could definitely have just reasoned with her. But I’m not gonna lie, that was pretty fucking sweet.” He actually looked genuinely impressed.

-xxx-

John watched on as Terezi and Karkat got closer. The two of them seemed too him like they were getting pretty close! The snide jabs became increasingly affectionate-sounding, the cackle in her voice increasingly flirtatious. Karkat acting extra grumpy around her, but it was in that same silly fake-grouchy way he was when he talked to John.

It was so great Karkat had another good friend. Maybe she could even go in one of those quadrant things of theirs. A monorail, maybe? Terezi seemed pretty dangerous, maybe Karkat could do that ‘best friend who keeps you less crazy’ thing? Or maybe they’d go the other way and become that other thing. Matspriits? The thing that sounded to John the same as human love.

He guessed that’d be nice?

Well, it would be nice! John didn’t know why the concept had him feeling so upset. Maybe he just felt sort of left out because he didn’t have a pretty new love interest. Yup, that had to be it.

When they finally reached the outskirts of Dave’s pseudo-kingdom, they sure seemed reluctant to actually go there.

“I dunno. I fancy one more night with you boys before we get there. Let’s camp at this windmill.”

“Hey, I’m not complaining. I can’t wait to get my swamp back, but I’m not sure Lord Douchenozzle will take kindly to our complete and utter failure to actually find a princess. Plus, you’re another troll. He’s not going to be thrilled.”

John figured they must be coming up with EXCUSES because they totally wanted to hang out together more. Well, like he was going to stand in their way!

“Mmm, yeah. Sounds good to me. Man, look at that sunset. That sunset sure is romantic. But shit,  I’m actually really tired! I think I’ll go sleep inside. Catch you guys in the morning.”

“What? Oh, uh, okay. Night.”

Whilst he was out of the way, Karkat could totally get his mack on with Terezi. He was absolutely the most considerate bro ever, when he wasn’t being a total dickpipe. Karkat was so lucky to have him.

John wasn’t sure why his chest was sort of hurting. Or why his eyes were starting to water. Why did he feel so shitty about everything?

-xxx-

Oh. Ohohoho. Terezi could smell what was going on here a mile away. Her new troll buddy was completely flushed for the human kid. It was obvious from the disappointment in his voice when John went to bed, the way he kind of stared even after the boy had closed the door.

It’d be adorable if it weren’t also completely pathetic.

“Hehehehe. Karkat. You should just tell him!”

“Tell him what? What are you even-?”

“I’ve got a nose for these things! And what I’m smelling here is red, red, red! and I don’t just mean your blood.”

“What, you KNOW about-?”

“I always know. I am practically a seer with all this knowingness, hahaha. And you know what else I know? That you have a big fat flushcrush on that John kid, and you should let him know! Spread the knowledge around.”

“Quit saying ‘know’, the word’s losing all meaning. Besides, there’s nothing to tell. Even if I did tell him, well, that. And I’m not saying I do! Because I DON’T. But completely hypothetically, _if_ I did. He’s a human, I’m a troll. Not even a regular troll. A hideously mutated one, with a horrible personality and horrible looks to match.”

“Bluh. This self-loathy thing you have going on is completely unattractive, you know!”

“Yeah, I know.” He stood up.

“Ugh, where are you going?”

“Getting more firewood.”

There was firewood _right there_. Terezi was smelling bullshit, but she figured she’d let him angst a bit if he really wanted to. Maybe she’d talk to the human kid for him, instead.

She did consider him a friend, see! She wanted Karkat to be happy, even if it was with the lamest person imaginable.

-xxx-

There was a knock at the door. John actually HAD been trying to sleep, so that was pretty annoying! But he decided to answer it. Maybe it’d be Karkat! Or, okay. It was Terezi.

“Out of the way, human. I’m coming in.”

“Wow, rude. I was sleeping, geez.”

“This is more important than your lame old sleep.”

“Shit, really? Is it about Karkat?”

“Yes, actually. Not bad, kid.”

“Oh, man. I knew you guys had a thing going on. Did Karkat say anything? If he went and messed it up, he didn’t mean to. I’m pretty sure Karkat really likes you! You just have to tell him how you feel, and-?”

“Hahahahahaha, what? There’s nothing going on with me and Karkat, idiot. Why would you even think that?”

“Um.”

“Never mind. God, you’re so dumb. How do _you_ feel, John?”

“How do I feel? Huh? How do I feel about what?”

“Karkat, stupid. How do you feel about him?”

“I do not think I follow. Karkat’s just a buddy!” John was kind of confused about why she was asking this. Okay, she and Karkat were not actually a thing, he could accept that. But asking about how he felt out of the blue, like she was expecting him to make some sudden love declaration? It just seemed, well, odd. “He’s the first real friend I’ve made in a really long time! You know, when I was a kid, I had these three best friends. We didn’t know each other long, and they were all pretty lame in their own way, but something just sort of clicked between us all! It was like I’d known them all my life.”

“Okay. What does your lousy human friendship have to do with this?”

“I kind of feel the same way about Karkat! He is really great even though he is also basically terrible, and I feel like we kind of… mesh well together? I guess.” The way he got along with Karkat did kind of remind him of them, but. It was kind of in a different way! There was something else about Karkat that he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“So, is it one hundred per cent just friendship, or…?”

“Look, Terezi. I had all these plans for my future! Find a nice girl to marry, sort of like those girls I knew growing up. We’d settle down in a nice cottage somewhere and have a bunch of kids, and I’d become like, a professional magician! Something like that. I’ve sort of got a set idea of what I want to do with my life, and Karkat doesn’t fit in there at all.

“I mean, he is a troll! I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in our kingdom. And trolls and humans? They don’t go together. I’ve never heard of a troll and human couple, ever. We’re so incompatible! There’s that whole romance system you’ve got going on, for one thing. It sounds jerkish, but no way would I be happy if somebody had a bunch of other romances going on, even if they were a different kind. There’s just. So many cultural differences. Probably biological ones, too!

“And you know, he’s a boy! Boys don’t go together, that isn’t how it works. Well, okay. Sometimes they do, and it usually works fine. Hell, there’s a few kingdoms with two kings, or two queens! But I don’t know, I never thought of myself as one of those people.

Besides! Karkat would be a total nightmare to live with, what with all the yelling and the assholery and the anger problem. Plus! All those hang-ups and self-loathy issues sure seem like they’d be a lot to handle!”

These were all totally legitimate reasons, even if Terezi looked kind of unconvinced. There was no way John could like Karkat, just look at that list. Though they kind of felt more like excuses. Pretty weak excuses.

“That’s great John, but you didn’t actually answer my question. I’m smelling avoidance here!” She leaned in close, and gave a grin. Man, look at those teeth. Those teeth were horrifying. “Is he just your friend, or do you see him as something else?”

“I don’t know! Maybe.” John was growing more and more sure he did. Despite Karkat having plenty of issues, the idea of settling with him rather than some girl was, well, appealing. Oh noooo, this was so terrible. “But even if I do! It’s not like he’d feel the same way, right?”

“Hey, John. You know for trolls, gender doesn’t matter. Right?”

“Wha-”

“Karkat’s not going to give a shit about you being a boy. Although, there’s plenty of other stuff wrong with you, so I can’t promise you much there. He’d have to be a total idiot to go for a moron like you! But, well,” she leaned in closer, “Karkat _is_ a total idiot and I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“Oh God. Okay. Right. Cool. Maybe I’ll think about telling him?”

“You should.” Terezi jumped out of one of the windows with effortless grace. Leave it to her to exit in one of the most overdramatic way possible.

That left John sitting on a bed made of flour sacks, alone with his thoughts. Shit, he really did like Karkat. The more he thought about it, the worse it was getting. Sure, they weren’t the same species, but that wasn’t so important! Besides, he liked Karkat as a troll, he had cool horns, cute little fangs, and a funny troll-y vocabulary. Somebody like Karkat was miles away from what he’d imagined his ideal partner to be like, but he found himself pretty content with this. You couldn’t always plan who you fell in love with, after all.

Fuck, okay. He’d tell Karkat tomorrow. 


	7. Hallelujah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, guys! This is the penultimate chapter, so enjoy!

Shit, okay. This was the plan: Approach John with a bunch of bluebells. Give him the flowers. Tell John they reminded him of his eyes. Then confess his feelings.

It wasn’t as if Terezi had actually convinced him or anything! He’d gone off, thought about it for a while and decided independently, of his own free will, that he’d make a fucking move. And if John looked unhappy with the way it was going, he could always wuss out at the last minute. Problem solved!

Actually, that was probably the most predictable outcome, what with him being completely unlikeable in every possible field. But if anyone was dumb enough to actually like him back, it’d have to be this kid, right? It was worth a shot.

And if he totally fucked up, maybe he could convince John to remain his friend?

He wasn’t expecting somebody to already be with John.

And oh, great, it was Terezi? He’d trusted her to keep his secret, and she’d only gone and told John the moment he left. Jesus fucking Christ.

Then, well. He heard what John had to say on the subject.

_“I’ve sort of got a set idea of what I want to do with my life, and Karkat doesn’t fit in there at all.”_

_“I’ve never heard of a troll and human couple, ever. We’re so incompatible!”_

_“And, you know, he’s a boy! Boys don’t go together, that isn’t how it works.”_

_“Besides! Karkat would be a total nightmare to live with, what with all the yelling and the assholery and the anger problem.”_

Well, fuck. Karkat wasn’t listening to any more of this! He knew in the back of his mind that John’s reply was to be expected. It was all completely true, of course. (Apart from the two boys thing, that was dumb.) But actually hearing the words tumble out of John’s mouth? It hurt. It really fucking hurt.

And mixed in with the pain of rejection, there was a little bit of anger. Why did Terezi have to be such a shitty friend? He’d trusted her, really trusted her! And she went and spilled his secret to the worst possible person. John was fine with them being friends, why did he have to be so not-fine with the concept of them as anything more? God, did he have to be so blunt about it? Did he have to bring up his self-loathing as a reason? Wow, as if hating himself wasn’t bad enough, it actively drove away others. Good to know!

He knew it was kind of unfair to be pissed off at John for not being red for him (God knew Karkat would never be red for himself), but. He was really, really fucking upset. And sort of bitter, too.

“Ugh. Screw you, John Egbert.”

-xxx-

The human had the nerve to smile at him the next morning. It made Karkat sick to his stomach. Sick to the very core of his being. His core was just puking, over and over, and Karkat was overflowing with vomit. He wished he actually would be sick on the asshole, that’d show him.

“Morning, Karkat!”

“Morning, _John_.” Karkat growled back at him with as much venom as he could muster. “If it is a good morning, which I doubt! But wait, what am I saying? Every morning is perfect for John freaking Egbert. Well, you can take your good morning and shove it.”

“Uh, wow. Okay.” John chuckled uncertainly, obviously not sure if he was imagining the usually-absent bite to Karkat’s words. He wasn’t. At all. “Anyway! There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Oh, really? Well, spare me, I know what you’re going to say. I already heard enough last night.”

“Oh man, you heard that?” At least John had the decency to look embarrassed, although not suitably guilty. Bastard. “So, uh. What did you think about it?”

“What did I _think_ about it? I don’t know, John! Try this: I think you’d be a fucking horrible excuse for a matesprit anyway. You were basically right. Trolls and humans? What a nightmare. If Terezi told you any different, she’s wrong. I’d never fall in love with a _human_ ,” he spat out the word, “let alone one as insufferably infuriating as you!”

“O-oh. I thought-”

“John Egbert thinking? Wow, I’m shitting bricks here. But as always, surprising nobody, you were completely and utterly wrong.” Like he needed John’s pity right now. The last thing he wanted was to be ‘let down gently’ by John with some patronising lines about how he thought they were better off being friends. Nope, his heart couldn’t take it.

Despite what he’d thought earlier, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to be friends. Just looking at John’s stupid, dumb, beautiful face was making Karkat want to punch him. And then cry.

“Wow, okay. You don’t have to be such a royal jackass about it!”

“Hey boys. Who’s being a jackass?” Oh, fucking great. It looked like Terezi was up. He scowled at her.

“You were, last night.”

“What? I was just-”

“Well next time, don’t. Not that there’s even going to BE a next time. I’m never trusting your ass again.”

Terezi looked like she was going to argue with his perfectly clear and rational declaration, and John just looked upset. Well, like he was having any of that. He didn’t need their pity! He was about to launch into another, longer tirade, when he heard the sound of trumpets. Wow, what now? Terezi and John were both gaping at something behind him, and Karkat spun round to see what was up.

Oh, excellent. It was only Lord Assmunch himself, accompanied by some ludicrous new harem. They were all riding stark white horses and it was basically the most overly majestic display Karkat had ever seen.  Jesus, royals and nobles were sickening.

“Hey, fuckstain. I suppose you’re wondering why the princess we brought back is a troll. Well, surprise! The princess in the legend was a troll princess. Also, this isn’t even her. She’s just some nutjob who lived nearby. I’d say I was sorry for our spectacular failure, but I honestly couldn’t give an iota of a shit at this point. I’m taking my swamp back whether you like it or not, and-”

“Hold your horses, shrimp. You can have that shithole of a swamp back. I don’t actually care.”

“You wha-?”

“Bigger fish to fry right now, nubby.” Dave dismounted smoothly, the two girls beside him following suit. They brush past him, Dave throwing the swamp deed over his shoulder, and approached… John?

Egbert was staring at the three of them with his usual, gormless expression. Looking from broad a, to douchewad, to broad b, like he was experiencing some kind of important revelation. Ha.

 “Wait, oh my God. Dave? _Dave_ Dave?”

“Yeah Egbert, Dave Dave.”

“Rose and Jade too? Man, it is all kinds of obvious it’s you three when you’re all together and last time I saw you both I totally did not even pick up on it! Holy shit, I feel like such a dick now. Just. Wow. I can’t believe you’re all here. It feels really surreal.”

Karkat watched in confusion as they all chatted together excitedly about their lives so far, John bringing them up to speed on how their quest had gone, carefully avoiding mentioning Karkat. Even Terezi joined the conversation, and seemed to immediately hit it off with Strider.

Gee, so much for banning fairy tale creatures. He guessed that was why he was getting his swamp back so easily.

“Hey, Dave! When are we going to ask him?”

“Huh, ask me what?”

“Pipe down, Harley, I’m building up to it.”

“Screw your build ups! I vote we ask him now.”

“ _Ask me what_? Come on, you gotta tell me now that you’ve mentioned it.”

“I assumed it would be obvious, what with the three of us already being engaged,” said the grey-skinned one, “but the proposition is simple. Will you marry us?”

“Uh, what?”

“Me and Dave and Rose are all engaged!” the one with the ears squealed, “If you marry us too, we’ll have the complete set! And, you know, we love you a whole lot!”

John looked at Karkat with a sort of frantic desperation; like he was looking for him to intervene. Well, hell if he was. Karkat was not helping him turn down another bunch of fucking suitors. He simply folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. Sure, John. Go ahead and break their hearts like you did Karkat’s.

John bit his lip with his oversized hideous buckteeth, before furrowing his eyebrows and turning back to his newfound human buddies. “Sure, I guess. I mean, I guess it would make sense! It’d, um. Be an honour?”

Oh, in the name of all that was sacred and holy. There was literally nothing pure and good left in this world, was there? Hell, he was climbing onto the back of the dark-looking girl’s horse. Karkat was... kind of confused? And incredibly put out. So much for two males being a problem, huh? Though he guessed in a way it was what John talked about. Marrying a girl he was friends with as a kid. Two of them, actually. Damn.

Well, Karkat sure as hell wasn’t going with them. He was going straight back to his swamp, and straight back to being alone. It was simpler that way. Fuck feelings, seriously. Why had he even considered letting people in? It was as useless as pissing in the wind. Sure, they hadn’t tried to kill him or screeched at him for being a troll, or being a mutant, or just for being too damn short, but they’d still just ended up hurting him in the end.

He was so done.

“Hey, human dudes?”

“What’s up TZ?” He already had a nickname for her? Absolutely intolerable. Unspeakably awful.

“I’m coming too. I still want to see your human kingdoms! And you kids seem pretty cool. Better than going with Karkat back to the shitty swamp I’ve been hearing so much about, right?” Karkat still didn’t see what was wrong with his swamp. It was a wonderful place to live, thank you very much.

“Sure thing. Hop on board.”

And wow, that was it. The only two friends he’d ever had, riding off into the sunset with that contemptible prick.

He was never coming out of that swamp again.

-xxx-

It was a long trek back to the swamp. Long, and lonely as fuck. In the past, he’d sort of enjoyed solitude. Well, not enjoyed it. It was fairly miserable, but it was all he knew and he was used to it. But now, thanks to John freaking Egbert, he was acutely aware of how miserable he was. The empty tents from where all the fairy tale turdfondlers had been holding their stupid asshole camping trip dotted around the swamp did nothing to help. It was great that the noisy buldgeweeds were gone, but now it basically just served as a reminder of how, well, alone he was.

It didn’t help that the place was a total mess, too. The unwelcome guests had left it in a state of complete disarray. Kind of like what John had done to his blood-pusher! Oh shit, wait, better metaphor coming up. There was a broken mirror outside one of the tents, shattered into a million tiny and sharp pieces. Like his heart!! Hahaha, he was on a roll today. Too bad nobody was around to hear this fantastic fucking material!

-xxx-

Man, Egbert had been nothing but a disappointment all round. He just didn’t seem all that enthusiastic at the prospect of picking out wedding dresses (in the name of irony, obviously). The John he knew would never look this fuckin’ miserable while trying on a stunningly fabulous white dress. Nobody should look this miserable while looking this fabulous. Dang.

-xxx-

Why had he left a vase of bluebells on his table when he left? It was like a cruel joke past-Karkat was playing on him. Wow, his past self was an asshole. A lucky one at that. Lucky he hadn’t gotten to know John yet. Although also unlucky, because he still had all that heartbreak in store. Ha, suck on that, past-Karkat.

But yeah, the last thing he needed right now was another reminder of that blue-eyed dimwit.

He threw the flowers into the fire.

-xxx-

“Wow John, you sure are giving that wedding cake the evil eye! What, you don’t wanna marry us?”

“Haha, no way! It’s not that. I just really am not the biggest cake fan. Me and cakes have some bad history.”

“Hehehe, I know! I still remember how you’d give the bakery that same look all those years ago.”

“Woah. Jade, please. That was not just any bakery, that was Betty Crocker’s bakery. Eugh.”

John was so dumb, wow. There was literally nothing wrong with Granny Crocker. She was a nice old lady and the others had never been totally clear on why he loathed her so much. Maybe it was just an irrational hate!

 “But seriously, John! Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? Nobody is forcing you and you just don’t seem, you know, as enthusiastic as the rest of us! Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Jade! Really!”

-xxx-

You know what else was lonely now? Dinner. Dinner fucking sucked. Karkat missed Terezi cooking eggs. He missed John’s shitty attempts at looking for “forest fruits”, which were mostly poisonous berries that only a total ignoramus would consider consuming.

At least there was nobody to see him completely break down at the table. One advantage of living alone!

-xxx-

John had waited until after dinner was over to have his own little breakdown. Poor boy clearly thought he was alone, and nobody would see him. Fortunately for him, this wasn’t actually the case.

Rose approached him slowly, and John quickly hastened to wipe his eyes. Honestly. Like he thought she wouldn’t catch on.

“Is it that troll?”

“I, uh. What?”

“You know who I’m talking about. The short one, with the rounded horns?”

Rose had been observing quietly for a while now, and this was the conclusion she’d reached. After all, John had been so preoccupied with this ‘Karkat’ that he’d barely registered her presence at the swamp, let alone actually recognised her.

“Okay, maybe I did have a tiny crush on him. A big one, actually! But you know what, it wasn’t returned, so case closed. There’s no point in pining for somebody who doesn’t like you like that, Rose! That is so lame. Besides, I do love you guys. You’re my best friends, you always have been. You sort of mean the world to me, actually.”

“I’m touched.” Rose smiled. “But remember, John. There’s a difference between romantic love, and platonic love.”

“I know. And I guess you are right, I’m not sure if I romantic-love you three just yet. But I’m pretty sure I will! I just need to like, get used to it.”

“If you insist.”

There was obviously no point in arguing, but Rose didn’t believe him. Not for one moment. Hopefully he’d be able to resolve these inner conflicts before the wedding day. Ah, the problems of others. They were fascinating, even when they did belong to those closest to her.

She could hear more muffled sobbing once she left the dining hall.


	8. I'm A Believer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like I finally finished this! Sorry to keep you all waiting <3 Writing a satisfying ending was super daunting, and I've been kinda busy with uni stuff.

_Knock, knock!_

Oh for fuck’s sake, what was that?

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

Ugh, no. Karkat was just getting used to isolation and misery. Who dared impose on his solitude?

_Knock!!! KNOCK._

“All right! Hold your fucking hoofbeasts, I’m coming.” With a heavy sigh, Karkat stood up and slowly made his way towards the door, opening it to see an obnoxiously bright bucktoothed smile.

“Hi Karkat!!!” The troll slammed the door in his face. “Hey! Kaaaaaaaaaaarkat. I want to talk to you.”

“Well, surprise! I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Huh.” There was a silence for a moment, and Karkat was willing him to go away with all his might. But no such luck. “you know what, Karkat?? Too bad! You are being a gigantic jackass about this whole thing, and you are going to listen to me! Now look here. You’re totally mean to me like, all the time! I have helped you out a whole bunch, and you barely appreciate it at all! You’re so obsessed with the idea of being miserable that you just completely push away anyone who cares about you!”

Karkat was glad for the door separating them so that John didn’t have to see his face.

“Right, glad you told me this. Not that I’ve done a very good job of pushing you away, since you’re BACK.”

“Well, duh! Of course I am back. That is what friends are for!”

“I don’t have _friends_ ,” Karkat spat out.

“Man, I wonder why! Bluuuuuuuuuuuuh.” John paused for a second, seeming to calm down. “All I ever did was like you, you know? _Maybe_ even love you!”

Wait, what?

“Sure, you didn’t feel the same, and that’s FINE! I am totally one hundred per cent over you now. But you didn’t have to cut me off altogether! Make out like we were never friends to begin with. It _hurts_ , dude!”

“John, I-”

“ _Whatever_! You are invited to the wedding. Feel free to come along when you are ready to take your head pout of your ass and act like a friend instead of a HUGE DOUCHEBAG.”

After recovering from the initial shock, Karkat opened the door. But it looked like he was too late. John had already flown away.

Well, fuck.

-xxx-

Terezi had been having a pretty damn good time in the city! Davelock, it was called. Named after its Lord, she had deduced, which spoke volumes about Lord Strider’s character.

She’d investigated this Strider dude a lot, actually! Mostly through talking to him. Damn was this kid fucked up! And _adorable_. Totally obsessed with out-doing his older brother, to the extent of banning fairy tale creatures in his “kingdom” just because Dirklock (as she’d named it in her head) didn’t have any? It seemed like he wanted to marry all these people just because his brother did something similar, too. Which was so completely ridiculous!

_Ironically_ though, his old friends seemed to be having a pretty positive effect on him! He’d lifted the insane fairy-tale-creature law, anyhow. Which meant it was nice and legal for her to be there!

But yeah, Dave was all kinds of cute. If Terezi was in John’s position she’d human-marry him and the two cute girls in a flash! Pretty obviously though, John wasn’t so into the idea. He actually seemed _more_ depressed since going to visit Karkat. Uuuuuugh. She had been hoping those two morons would work out this whole flushed mess and she wouldn’t have to intervene, but it looked as if she had no choice.

It was a good thing dragon lusii grew at an accelerated rate once hatched and hers had come to check up on her! So convenient. Come wedding day, the very first thing she did was fly over to the swamp.

The location of swamp was easy to infer. She simply smelled out the grossest corner of the area and led her lusus there. There was an ugly tasting hut right in the center of it, so she was pretty sure she’d hit the jackpot.

Her suspicious were confirmed when as soon as the dragon landed, a short angry troll came barging out of the shack.

 “Man! John was right, this place stinks.”

“What the everloving fuck are you doing here?”

“Giving you a lift to the wedding, dumbass.”

“I’m not going.”

Terezi raised an eyebrow and looked at him over her glasses. She couldn’t actually see him of course, but she thought it’d make her look more dramatic. “Oh? Why not?”

“Give me a break. Like I want to watch the love of my life marry someone else. Wait, three other people. None of which are me. That is quite frankly the last thing on the planet I want to see right now.”

“Hahaha! We’re not going to watch them get married, silly. We’re going to STOP THEM.”

“What’s the point? I already fucked everything up. John’s over me now. Quite rightly, too. I would have made a terrible matesprit.”

“John’s over you? Jegus, you are so dense! I’ve never seen that kid look so miserable.”

“Jegus?”

“Hehe, just something Dave said the other day. I thought it sounded funny. Whatever, the point is John’s still totally silly for you and you’re a red for him as it gets, and letting him marry a set of people he doesn’t even love is really stupid! And unfair of almost everyone involved.”

Karkat bit his lip. “You really think John still likes me?”

“You can ask him when we get there!! You are obviously not appreciating the tightness of the schedule we are running on here! They’re marrying at sunset.”

“Fuck.”

She grinned at him, her sharp teeth on full display. “Never fear, my nubby horned pal. Pyralspite here can fly pretty fast! Hop on.”

“I’m not sure-” Ugh. There was no time for Karkat to wuss out over a silly thing like riding a dragon, so before he could protest, Terezi scooped him up and hoisted him onto her lusus’ back, jumping on just behind him.

“Hold on tight!”

“Hold on to whaaaaaaRRRGGHHH!” Karkat’s complaints were quickly drowned out by his screams when they took off.

“Hehehe.” 

-xxx-

Karkat decide about half a second into the dragon ride that he really, REALLY hated flying. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if it was _him_ flying, but letting some great beast carry him across the land at such great heights seemed downright dangerous. Also, she kept these impractical swoops that made his stomach churn, and he was _convinced_ Terezi was asking her to do them on purpose.

But after what felt like a lifetime of almost throwing up from motion sickness, they finally landed in the Davelock town square. A giant dragon landing slap bang in the middle of everything obviously wasn’t a regular occurrence, because everyone was staring at them openly. If Karkat wasn’t here under such important and urgent circumstances, he might have felt self-conscious.

The church was just to their left. It was an ostentatious and over-the-top building, with stained glass windows displaying Lord Strider’s smug-ass face. Ugh.

“Right, time to crash this thing!” Terezi trilled, bounding towards the large wooden doors.

“Wait, wait, Terezi, oh my God.”

“What???”

“There’s a line we have to wait for.”

“A line.”

“Yes. It’s a romance thing. Human marriage ceremonies have this part where the man says, ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ and that’s when we rush in.”

“Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. What’s the point?”

“IT’S WHAT THEY ALWAYS DO IN ROMANCE NOVELS OKAY. Come on, let’s see if we can listen in.” Terezi pulled a face, but the two of them crept round to one of the side windows. It was lower down that the others, but still pretty high up!

“Stand on my shoulders.” Terezi bent down, and Karkat awkwardly climbed onto her. Wow, she was strong as hell. “you know, I vote when you go in you yell ‘OBJECTION’, it’ll make it sound like a law court.”

“Sure, if you insist. Move forward a bit, I can’t see a fucking thing.”

“Me neither!” She giggled, staggering closer to the window. Karkat’s head crashed into it.

“Okay… I can see them all standing at the altar. Wait. Fuck. He already said it.”

“This is so stupid!” Terezi actually fell over from what Karkat presumed was the sheer stupidity of this plan of Karkat’s hideous weight. Possibly both. But that didn’t matter right now. Karkat scrambled to his feet and ran towards the doors, throwing them open with as much force as he could.

“ _Objection_!” He yelled as he ran into the church, wishing almost immediately afterward that he hadn’t agreed to Terezi’s ridiculous suggestion. Everyone was looking at him in confusion. The grey skinned girl seemed to have just finished snogging Lord Strider and was in the middle of some sort of metamorphosis into a regular-human. John was about to kiss the human with the dog ear and was now staring at him in surprise.

“What are you doing here?”

“You invited me!”

“I didn’t invite you to run in and totally disrupt everything!”

“Look, Egbert, I need to talk to you-”

“Oh, NOW? I is a bit late for that, dude! Now if you’ll excuse me, I am about to make out with Jade here, who is hot as hell and who I am now officially married to, and then kiss Rose, who we just saved from the clutches of grimdarkness with the power of love.”

“You can’t be married to her!”

“Why not? It is not exactly any of your business.”

“She’s not your true love! None of them are.”

“True love doesn’t exist, Karkat,” John said quietly.

“Bullshit it doesn’t. Now shut up and pay attention. I’ve always been pretty damn estranged from my own culture. Growing up surrounded by humans and all. But there is one troll belief I have absolute confidence in. Romantic destiny. For each quadrant, everyone has that one true pairing. The person they’re just _meant_ to be with!”

“What the fuck is a quad-”

“That’s not important right now. What matters here is that us meeting was mother fucking SERENDIPITY. And fuck these guys, you should marry me instead. Because if it wasn’t glaringly obvious at this point, I love you. I fucking love you and if you actually go through with marrying these shitheads I am going to vomit so hard all over this god damn church the wedding guests will drown in the half digested remains of my lunch. Which, incidentally, was-”

“Okay, wow! That’ll do, Karkat. I am still reeling from the whole love confession thing; I do not need to hear about the contents of your stomach.”

“Oh right, sorry.”

“So um. The thing is! I love you too.”

“Really?”

“ _Really_.”

“Cool.”

Karkat bit his lip, his eyes darting around frantically. Weren’t they supposed to be kissing now? _Why weren’t they kissing_? Wait, shit, John was looking around awkwardly too. Maybe Karkat was the one who was supposed to be making a move here, because he was the one who ran in at the last minute like one romantic motherfucker.

This was going to be _tricky_ though, because John was a lot taller than him, and also because he was standing a few steps above him. The human was just standing there like an idiot though, so it looked like he’d have to give it a shot.

Karkat marched up the steps, stood on his tiptoes, put his hands on John’s shoulders and kissed the shit out of him. John kissed back. It was awesome. That was, until the dog-eared girl came and poked John in the back.

“This is really cute you two! But, um. What about the marriage contract you just signed?”

“Oh, right, that thing. I dunno! I guess we could tear it up?” John put his hand on his chin thoughtfully, stroking a beard he didn’t have.  

“No way man, it’s a four person contract,” Strider replied, making his way forward.

“What a load of crap! Can’t we just cross my name off it?”

“Not unless we get another person who wants in on this.”

“Haha, you are so full of shit.”

At that moment, Terezi strode down the aisle nonchalantly. Karkat had been wondering where she’d got to.

“What’s all this I hear about needing a fourth person? Because Dave you should totally get married to me too. Think of it as species diversity!”

“Tz you know I was joking about the four-person-contract thing right,” Dave’s face was contorted into one of absolute incredulity.

“Duh. As if a stunningly beautiful and intelligent future- legislacerator like me doesn’t know basic marriage law. But my offer still stands.”

She was doing that stupid eyebrows thing John did a lot. God, why did so many assholes waggle their eyebrows? Was it supposed to be attractive? Because all it really did was make them look like idiots.

“Hey, it’s fine by me!” Jade chipped in. Rose just rolled her yes, but nodded.

“I guess that’s a yes then,” Dave shrugged.

Karkat was sort of amazed everyone was okay with this frankly bizarre arrangement, but whatever tickled their shame globes, he guessed.

-xxx-

It didn’t actually take that long to re-do the marriage ceremony, this time with John and Karkat getting married along with Dave and, well, everyone.

John couldn’t help but grin when he heard that he and Karkat were now HUSBANDS. Wow, how exciting. They’d have to go on some sort of short-notice honeymoon. John was hoping for something really sweet, though they did not exactly have much money so maybe he could hassle Dave into paying for them?

It didn’t matter, really! The point was, everything worked out for the best, and he and Karkat were going to live _happily ever after_.

(They were ditching the gross-ass swamp, though.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Thanks so much to everyone who read and enjoyed this, I appreciate each and every one of you. They told me I was crazy when I said I was going to write a unironic shrekstuck fic, but look where we are now.
> 
> If I find the time, I may write a sequel to this based on Shrek 2! Featuring Queen Feferi, her husband Equius, Vriska the fairy godmother and Eridan: the prince who was too late. And some old faces. Might be a while, though. Watch this space :OO


End file.
